When Death Is Near

Even though 10% or more of reported deaths are unexpected and traumatic, you are still blindsided when it happens to those you love and care about.  It is not something that one ever plans on and so are not only grieving emotionally, but have no idea on what to do in order to handle the practical aspects of death.

it is not helpful that medical and police personnel, trained to solve problems and find answers may seem very matter of fact or even uncaring.  They may announce to you that you must make "arrangements" or even question you or other members of the family.

The reality is that they are usually caring individuals or they would not have been drawn to that line of work.  However,in order to protect their own emotional energy, they make not take the time for personal or emotional responses to your pain.

Find an Advocate

The first thing to do is to ask for an advocate.  You need someone to help you make decisions and try to understand what is happening and what you need to do. It may be a daily occurrence for them, but when it happens to your loved one, you feel as though you are the only one in the world to experience such deep emotional pain.

If you have a faith community leader, or a dear friend or family member who will support, listen and assist you, call them to come to you. If even making that phone call seems overwhelming, ask an official to contact them for you. This is not a time to be alone.

Do Not Make Major Decisions

Be very careful about jumping into decisions without someone who can be a little more rational than you are  in situations of unexpected death.  You do not need elaborate flower arrangements or an expensive casket, which you may be sold by unscrupulous funeral homes.

It is natural and understandable to be in shock. it is a shocking circumstance.  Give yourself some time to adjust, absorb and act accordingly.

If Only..

In cases of unexpected and traumatic deaths, family and friends do not have the opportunity to say good-bye. Sudden infant death, suicide, homicide and accidents can leave everyone, but especially those who were close, feeling if only….

No matter how the death occurs, we often think somehow we could have done something more, better, more often etc.  It is a vicious circle in our minds as we try to make sense of what has happened.

The reality is that we all do the best we can and bad things happen to good people all the time.  It is not a judgment on them or on you. It just is.

Seek Bereavement or Grief Counseling

You may find that you need assistance in sorting out the emotions in your heart and mind.  These are extreme situations and bring out extreme emotions that need to be addressed before you can go on with your life.

It is our wish that you find a safe and loving harbor to share your feelings and concerns.  Unresolved grief and anger are at the root of much illness.  For your own good and the good of other survivors, take care of yourself as you seek healing through your grief.

With love and empathy,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach and author
http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

I have just received a call about the sudden death of an nephew who was estranged from the family(by his choice). He was smart, talented and only 37 years old.  Of course, he had problems, everyone has problems.

A Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem

As a lawyer, he had lost a case or two.  As a husband, he was in the middle of a divorce. As a son, he was drinking too much.  As a nephew, he was somebody else's main thought, not mine.

Suicide marks the end of a battle with internal pain, but the beginning of life long grieving and sorrow for those who are left behind with unanswered questions. 

Perhaps the hardest part of grieving that survivors face is that of powerlessness and a big helping of what if……  We would have helped, had we been asked.  We would have supported, sustained and offered advice had it been within our power.

Suicide Brings Guilt and Regret

As mere mortals, we will be saying goodbye for the rest of our lifetime.  We will lose jobs, friends, family, pets, car keys, houses, our abilities, and finally our own life. Many assume that guilt-regret is one word and with one description; "I'm a rotten person.  If only: I woulda, coulda and shoulda.  Why didn't I…..?"

There is a distinction between the words guilt and regret.  Understanding that difference can make it easier to overcome the negative connotations and process the authentic emotions.  Guilt is a deed that has been done for which you are sorry.  Regret is something you wished you wold have done, but did not.

The problem with guilt-regret being lumped into one word or negative emotion is that they feed each other.  When excess regret is lumped in with guilt, it makes grief last much longer and gives it a power and size in our hearts and minds that is harder to process and let go.

We Have No Power Over Others

We must come face to face with the reality that we have no power over other people's lives.  We can influence, give information, offer guidance and suggestions, but we have no power to force anyone to do what we want.

No matter how closely we are connected, it is the choice of the individual to end a life.  While we all must bear a responsibility for trying to offer help, the individual has freedom to make their own decisions. 

Grieve Loss of Relationship

I am so sorry that my nephew made this final decision.  Things do get better in life.  There is always a new way, a new day and another chance for happiness.

If you are sad, depressed or thinking of ending your life, please don't make that choice. Write or call me and perhaps I can offer you a link to a better tomorrow.  I care about you and the other members of this community. 

We Are All as One

with the hand of love and friendship,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family coach and author
http://www.ArtichokePress.com

PS: Connect with me on Twitter   http://www.Twitter.com/judyhwright