When Death Is Near

When a friend's son who had severe mental problems committed suicide, she commented to me at the service; "well, at least I know where he is tonight."

To feel relief at the death of another is not often acknowledged or spoken about. It seems a taboo subject that not every death brings great sadness but may actually bring a sense of relief.

In attending a seminar a few year ago called Understanding Grief, Touchstones of Healing for Family, Friends and Caregivers taught by Jennifer Elison, Ed.D. I was struck by her honesty and ability to speak the unspeakable. While she taught us the patterns of grieving and expected outcomes, she also spoke of those times when death is not a loss, but a relief.

In her book Liberating Losses  published by Lifelong Books, a member of the Perseus Books group, she shares not only her story, but the stories of others who have felt a sense of relief when death occurred. It is an excellent read and one that I have recommended and referred to often in doing grief work or examining my own emotions over loss.

As medical science has treatments and medications that keep people alive much longer than in the past, families may face years of care for someone who would not have chosen this existence.

Many conditions become chronic rather than acute. One surgery leads to complications and then another surgery, and then another and constant pain. No matter how much we love someone it impacts us to see them suffer physically and emotionally. We wish there were something we could do to alleviate their pain. We offer comfort, soup, extra pillows, a new video or book but it is never enough to end their suffering, except momentarily.

So then, why are we ashamed to admit that death bring relief, not only to the one who has passed into another plane of existence, but also to those exhausted souls left to pick up the pieces and move on?

How do you feel about this subject? Have you ever felt relief when someone died? Please feel free to leave a comment. This is a safe place to share your thoughts and emotions.

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke

There are many dates which bring a national or universal remembrance. For my generation, it will always be November 22, 1963 and the date John F. Kennedy was assassinated.  In the minds of Americans who were adults or near adults can remember vividly what we were doing and how we reacted when we heard the news.

For our children and our children's children the date was 911. It was an ending of an era of national confidence and a deep sadness about the losses suffered.

As a nation and a culture, we were joined in our grief and sadness.  We needed a way to express our anger, confusion and mourning. We needed a way to say Goodbye to what might have been and could be no more.  We needed closure to the intensity of feelings that grief brings to a person.

The rituals and ceremonies surrounding Funerals and Memorials bring us together and bind us in our common grief and facilitate the release of the one who has died.  When we remember the intense feelings and raw emotion of the days following either a national disaster or a personal loss, we recognize the need for joining with others to release some of the emotional toll.

Many  people need a closure of a ceremony of funeral or Memorial in order to finalize the death in their minds and hearts. Some choose traditional religious services because they  provide structure and familiarity. Some choose to simply have a gathering where it is much more relaxed. At these memorials, friends and family share stories and memories which bring laughter and tears.

To be helpful to those who are survivors the ritual of the funeral or Memorial ideally will have some meaning to them personally. If possible, the ceremony will involve their participation in some small way.  This is a way to signify to each of us, no matter how closely we were affiliated, a chapter of life  is closing.