When Death Is Near

A positive attitude and clear answers will help.

Hello from beautiful Montana:

What is death? What does Dead Mean?

These questions are some of the hardest for parents to answer, especially because most have not examined their own feelings,

emotions and believe systems around death and dying. Most of the parents I teach in parenting classes tell me that the only questions they

dread more are about sex!

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Hello from Montana:

Most people get very nostalgic because their minds and

Bereavement and Grief are hard work. Be clear in setting boundaries and what you need from others. give yourself time to heal from loss.

hearts are triggered by sights, sounds, smells and events.  Smelling of pine trees reminds them of the Christmas when Grandpa brought the tree. It is true that grief work is  hard work and it takes much energy, emotion and time.

Take Time To Heal

No matter when or how our loss happened, we will still remember and reflect on the person who is no longer in our physical world.  It is important to allow yourself to be human and to recognize sometimes you are too overwhelmed with sad emotions to meet the expectations of others.

When you are working through grief and it is hard work, you need to plan ahead as much as possible.  By setting boundaries and establishing limits, you will not be constantly bombarded with requests and demands.

Set Boundaries In Clear, Calm Voice

Most people (even Uncle George if told often enough) will accept a yes or no when asked to participate.  When you falter or are wishy washy with a request by saying “I will try, but I can’t promise” or “Maybe…we will see” that  causes confusion.

If you are asked to contribute a pie because you always contribute a pie, then say “This year I am spending my energy close to home. Please ask someone else to bring a pie.” Or, “I am guarding my energy this year, so I can give you money to purchase one, but don’t want the worry of making one.  Maybe next year.”

Give Yourself Gift of Self-Care

Just as you need to be clear about what you can contribute to others this year, you also need to be clear about what you need and want from them.  If you need phones calls or meeting for lunch or your sidewalk shoveled, then say so.

No one can really read minds, so be very clear and calm in asking for what you need. I remember calling a friend after the death of her husband and I said, like I have a million other times; “What can I do to help you?”  She didn’t miss a beat, but said; “I would like to have my windows washed, it would make the world seem brighter.”

While I was washing the windows, I was impressed again and again at how clear and concise her request was. She knew that people would ask to help and she knew just what would make her feel better.

Grief is hard work and takes time to heal, but the time is easier when you have companions and support along the way.

I have confidence in your ability to be find ways and means to heal yourself.

In support and love,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Hello from beautiful Montana;

Do children, adolescents, and young people experience loss differently than adults?  Do they mourn the loss of a pet the same way they would grieve the loss of a grandparent or sibling? Do they bounce back from a significant loss as easily as the adults around them previously thought?

What is Grief, Mourning and Bereavement?

Each social scientist and author have a different vocabulary when it comes to the emotions experienced with a significant loss.  Children, adolescents and adults also have names for the emotional  roller coaster they are on.

Feelings of loss and separation are a prominent part of most grief cycle.  It is very common to experience pain, sadness, anger, bewilderment and many other far reaching emotions.

In addition to the feelings that come in a wide range of reactions and in varying degrees of intensity during grief, the child may react out physically.

It is not unusual for many bereaved persons to experience confusion, inability to focus at school or home, lack of energy and wanting to sleep more than usual.  Other physical signs may be a lump in the throat, pain in the belly, headaches, upsetting dreams, getting in fights with friends or withdrawing from friends in general.

Loss and Grief

Children, Adolescents and young people do indeed grief the loss of pets, people, places and all other losses that they will encounter in their lives.  They need support, kindness and understanding as they process what has happened and what it will mean to them in their lives.

Need Kind and Loving Adults

Everyone who has ever suffered a loss looks for ways to understand what has happened and how it will impact them. Children and Adolescents may not have the skills to ask for assistance or help.  Older people may assume the children are coping, when they actually desperately need assurance and answers.

If you are in a position to share time listening to a child or adolescent who has gone through a loss, it will be a wonderful act of service.  You will have the opportunity to reassure them about life, loss and the importance of remembering with love.

Thank you for being a part of this community of kind, thoughtful people who want to work together to raise children to be respectful and understanding of all.

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Hello from beautiful Montana.  Death of family members brings out the best and worst in how we act and react to bad news.

For those of us who are Baby Boomers, deaths in the family are becoming more and more routine. Cousins who never have time to come to family reunions or wedding celebrations are now gathering in Intensive Care Units and funeral homes.  Siblings who argued over toys, now make decsions on  how to divide heirlooms.

All of us will face death of loved ones at some time or another and yet we have no training on how to act and some may fall back on old patterns of behavior. Especially negative behavior from old wounds.  If our experiences surrounded other deaths were uncomfortable, we will bring those same emotions and feelings into these situations.

Choose to Deal With Relatives in a Positive Way

Unfinished business from the past doesn’t simply disappear. If it is not dealt with, at least internally, it will resurface later in unexpected and troubling ways.

Don’t buy into the drama that some family members enjoy creating.  Recognize that each person handles life and death differently.  Do your best to honor the dead as well as the living, by making emotional choices that are wise for you, not knee-jerk reactions.

We can allow emotional triggers that push us back into being selfish, complaining and attention seeking children.  Or, on the other hand, we can recognize an emotional trigger for what it is; simply a signal your subconscious is sending to your conscious mind. It can help us to think before reacting, and make a conscious choice to speak, act and  offer comfort in a giving way.

Allow Grief to Bring Out Your Best

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross once said ” When you look back at the anguish, suffering, and traumas in your life,  you’ll see that these are the periods of biggest growth.  After a loss that brings you dreadfully painful moments, you are a different man, a different woman.  Many years later, you will be able to look back and see the positive things–togetherness in your family, faith or whatever — that came out of your pain.”

Families are where we came from, but not necessarily where we are going.  We are bound to those we love and those who love us by shared experiences as well as our individual perceptions. It is important for us to be in a place where we join other family members to remember the good times and able to celebrate this passing of a loved one into the next plane of existence.

So, when the phone rings in the middle of night and it is news of the aunt, cousin, brother or other close family member who is dying or has died, know that you have a choice.  This trial or suffering or sorrow is an opportunity for you to grow closer to the rest of the family.

It is a chance to reunite, forgive and let go of old wounds.  It is a chance to allow your best side to show. Let this be your final gift to your loved one.

With understanding and love,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Even though 10% or more of reported deaths are unexpected and traumatic, you are still blindsided when it happens to those you love and care about.  It is not something that one ever plans on and so are not only grieving emotionally, but have no idea on what to do in order to handle the practical aspects of death.

it is not helpful that medical and police personnel, trained to solve problems and find answers may seem very matter of fact or even uncaring.  They may announce to you that you must make "arrangements" or even question you or other members of the family.

The reality is that they are usually caring individuals or they would not have been drawn to that line of work.  However,in order to protect their own emotional energy, they make not take the time for personal or emotional responses to your pain.

Find an Advocate

The first thing to do is to ask for an advocate.  You need someone to help you make decisions and try to understand what is happening and what you need to do. It may be a daily occurrence for them, but when it happens to your loved one, you feel as though you are the only one in the world to experience such deep emotional pain.

If you have a faith community leader, or a dear friend or family member who will support, listen and assist you, call them to come to you. If even making that phone call seems overwhelming, ask an official to contact them for you. This is not a time to be alone.

Do Not Make Major Decisions

Be very careful about jumping into decisions without someone who can be a little more rational than you are  in situations of unexpected death.  You do not need elaborate flower arrangements or an expensive casket, which you may be sold by unscrupulous funeral homes.

It is natural and understandable to be in shock. it is a shocking circumstance.  Give yourself some time to adjust, absorb and act accordingly.

If Only..

In cases of unexpected and traumatic deaths, family and friends do not have the opportunity to say good-bye. Sudden infant death, suicide, homicide and accidents can leave everyone, but especially those who were close, feeling if only….

No matter how the death occurs, we often think somehow we could have done something more, better, more often etc.  It is a vicious circle in our minds as we try to make sense of what has happened.

The reality is that we all do the best we can and bad things happen to good people all the time.  It is not a judgment on them or on you. It just is.

Seek Bereavement or Grief Counseling

You may find that you need assistance in sorting out the emotions in your heart and mind.  These are extreme situations and bring out extreme emotions that need to be addressed before you can go on with your life.

It is our wish that you find a safe and loving harbor to share your feelings and concerns.  Unresolved grief and anger are at the root of much illness.  For your own good and the good of other survivors, take care of yourself as you seek healing through your grief.

With love and empathy,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach and author
http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Hello:

I re-found this poem recently and wanted to share it with you and keep it where I can find it again.

Gone from my sight.  That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side,
And she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment when someone at my side says,
"There, she is gone," there are other eyes watching her coming.
And other voices ready to take up the glad shout:
"Here she comes!"

And that is dying.

My thoughts and prayers are with you if you are grieving today.  It is a long road and it will take some time before your every thought is about your loved one.  Take your time to heal.

With love and support,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach and author

PS: Please join our community of kind, supportive and thoughtful people at http://www.ArtichokePress.com

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