When Death Is Near

When a friend's son who had severe mental problems committed suicide, she commented to me at the service; "well, at least I know where he is tonight."

To feel relief at the death of another is not often acknowledged or spoken about. It seems a taboo subject that not every death brings great sadness but may actually bring a sense of relief.

In attending a seminar a few year ago called Understanding Grief, Touchstones of Healing for Family, Friends and Caregivers taught by Jennifer Elison, Ed.D. I was struck by her honesty and ability to speak the unspeakable. While she taught us the patterns of grieving and expected outcomes, she also spoke of those times when death is not a loss, but a relief.

In her book Liberating Losses  published by Lifelong Books, a member of the Perseus Books group, she shares not only her story, but the stories of others who have felt a sense of relief when death occurred. It is an excellent read and one that I have recommended and referred to often in doing grief work or examining my own emotions over loss.

As medical science has treatments and medications that keep people alive much longer than in the past, families may face years of care for someone who would not have chosen this existence.

Many conditions become chronic rather than acute. One surgery leads to complications and then another surgery, and then another and constant pain. No matter how much we love someone it impacts us to see them suffer physically and emotionally. We wish there were something we could do to alleviate their pain. We offer comfort, soup, extra pillows, a new video or book but it is never enough to end their suffering, except momentarily.

So then, why are we ashamed to admit that death bring relief, not only to the one who has passed into another plane of existence, but also to those exhausted souls left to pick up the pieces and move on?

How do you feel about this subject? Have you ever felt relief when someone died? Please feel free to leave a comment. This is a safe place to share your thoughts and emotions.

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke