A positive attitude and clear answers will help.

Hello from beautiful Montana:

What is death? What does Dead Mean?

These questions are some of the hardest for parents to answer, especially because most have not examined their own feelings,

emotions and believe systems around death and dying. Most of the parents I teach in parenting classes tell me that the only questions they

dread more are about sex!

How do you explain death to a child?  If you have religious beliefs that bring you comfort and you want to explain death in that concept, you still need to phrases answers so the child has an accurate understanding. Parents and caring adults need to remember that young children tend to take words and explanations literally since they have difficulty thinking in the abstract.  So when you say “God loved your dad so much, He took him to heaven” the young son may worry that God will love him that much too.  A daughter may worry that her loved was insufficient and so she is being punished.

Where Do People Go When They Die?

If you are comfortable with explaining that life is eternal and we go to heaven, then do so. My personal belief is that earth life is a part of a cycle and the spirit lives on even though the body is no longer needed.  To explain to our grand daughter, I used the analogy of the hand in a glove. It was not the glove (body) that was moving but rather the spirit (hand). The glove’s use is done for right now, but the spirit moves on to another plane of existence.

I also asked her how she felt when she knew that we were 500 miles away and she could not see us. Did she think we still loved her?  Could she feel our love even when we could not talk or communicate?  Did she feel secure that we would reunite at some point? She was relieved to know that just as seeds sleep in the ground in the winter (they have a lovely garden) they come again when the time is right.

What If Child Is Afraid

Once again it is wise to think about what you are going to say. If you tell your child that “Grandpa just went to sleep” they may be fearful of going to bed. If you have an opportunity to speak about death when it is not someone they know closely, they will be able to put death into a context they can understand. Very young children think that only old people die, unless they have personal experience and may be fearful that their parents are getting old and will die soon.

If a beloved pet dies, be sure to include the child in the decisions about burial or having a memorial ceremony.  Help them to be reassured they are safe and that you will protect them to the best of your ability.

Questions for you to ponder:

• How do you feel about death?  What does the word mean to you?
• How was death taught to you as a child? Do you remember losing a pet?
• What are your views on Heaven or an Afterlife?
• How old were you when you attended your first funeral?

This is a difficult subject for families to discuss, but it is an important part of life and the subject is best dealt with before a death occurs.  Hopefully, this will open dialog between you and your child about death and dying.

Your friend,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

PS: Please join our community at http://www.AskAuntieArtichoke.com

You will be glad you did.

Do children, adolescents, and young people experience loss differently than adults?  Do they mourn the loss of a pet the same way they would grieve the loss of a grandparent or sibling? Do they bounce back from a significant loss as easily as the adults around them previously thought?

What is Grief, Mourning and Bereavement?

Each social scientist and author have a different vocabulary when it comes to the emotions experienced with a significant loss.  Children, adolescents and adults also have names for the emotional  roller coaster they are on.

Feelings of loss and separation are a prominent part of most grief cycle.  It is very common to experience pain, sadness, anger, bewilderment and many other far reaching emotions.

In addition to the feelings that come in a wide range of reactions and in varying degrees of intensity during grief, the child may react out physically.

It is not unusual for many bereaved persons to experience confusion, inability to focus at school or home, lack of energy and wanting to sleep more than usual.  Other physical signs may be a lump in the throat, pain in the belly, headaches, upsetting dreams, getting in fights with friends or withdrawing from friends in general.

Loss and Grief

Children, Adolescents and young people do indeed grief the loss of pets, people, places and all other losses that they will encounter in their lives.  They need support, kindness and understanding as they process what has happened and what it will mean to them in their lives.

Need Kind and Loving Adults

Everyone who has ever suffered a loss looks for ways to understand what has happened and how it will impact them. Children and Adolescents may not have the skills to ask for assistance or help.  Older people may assume the children are coping, when they actually desperately need assurance and answers.

If you are in a position to share time listening to a child or adolescent who has gone through a loss, it will be a wonderful act of service.  You will have the opportunity to reassure them about life, loss and the importance of remembering with love.

Thank you for being a part of this community of kind, thoughtful people who want to work together to raise children to be respectful and understanding of all.

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com