When Death Is Near » death of a pet

Explaining Death And Dying To Children

admin — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 01:59:57 +0000

A positive attitude and clear answers will help.

Hello from beautiful Montana:

What is death? What does Dead Mean?

These questions are some of the hardest for parents to answer, especially because most have not examined their own feelings,

emotions and believe systems around death and dying. Most of the parents I teach in parenting classes tell me that the only questions they

dread more are about sex!

How do you explain death to a child? If you have religious beliefs that bring you comfort and you want to explain death in that concept, you still need to phrases answers so the child has an accurate understanding. Parents and caring adults need to remember that young children tend to take words and explanations literally since they have difficulty thinking in the abstract. So when you say “God loved your dad so much, He took him to heaven” the young son may worry that God will love him that much too. A daughter may worry that her loved was insufficient and so she is being punished.

Where Do People Go When They Die?

If you are comfortable with explaining that life is eternal and we go to heaven, then do so. My personal belief is that earth life is a part of a cycle and the spirit lives on even though the body is no longer needed. To explain to our grand daughter, I used the analogy of the hand in a glove. It was not the glove (body) that was moving but rather the spirit (hand). The glove’s use is done for right now, but the spirit moves on to another plane of existence.

I also asked her how she felt when she knew that we were 500 miles away and she could not see us. Did she think we still loved her? Could she feel our love even when we could not talk or communicate? Did she feel secure that we would reunite at some point? She was relieved to know that just as seeds sleep in the ground in the winter (they have a lovely garden) they come again when the time is right.

What If Child Is Afraid

Once again it is wise to think about what you are going to say. If you tell your child that “Grandpa just went to sleep” they may be fearful of going to bed. If you have an opportunity to speak about death when it is not someone they know closely, they will be able to put death into a context they can understand. Very young children think that only old people die, unless they have personal experience and may be fearful that their parents are getting old and will die soon.

If a beloved pet dies, be sure to include the child in the decisions about burial or having a memorial ceremony. Help them to be reassured they are safe and that you will protect them to the best of your ability.

Questions for you to ponder:

How do you feel about death? What does the word mean to you?
How was death taught to you as a child? Do you remember losing a pet?
What are your views on Heaven or an Afterlife?
How old were you when you attended your first funeral?

This is a difficult subject for families to discuss, but it is an important part of life and the subject is best dealt with before a death occurs. Hopefully, this will open dialog between you and your child about death and dying.

Your friend,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

PS: Please join our community at http://www.AskAuntieArtichoke.com

You will be glad you did.

Young Adults and Teens Deal With Death of a Pet

admin — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 03:07:29 +0000

Young Adults Who Lose a Pet

Teens and “Tweens” are always dealing with zig-zagging emotions. The beloved pet may have offered friendship when all other relationships were changing.

The loss of a pet to this age group can be particularly hard. The Pet may have been a source of unconditional love and companionship during childhood. Many young people look at their pet as an anchor of childhood; always loving, forgiving and loyal.

Support of Friends and Family

Family members need to give approval for tears, sadness and acknowledge that it may take quite a bit of time for the stages of grief to pass.Peer acceptance of expressing feelings can make the transition easier. If the friends downplay the sorrow, the adolescent may bury the hurt feelings and questions in his heart, and not feel safe sharing them.

Remember this is the time in life when young adults are trying to find their own true feelings and discover who and what they are as individuals. They may want your understanding, guidance and reassurance, but may use conflict to deflect the opportunities to share.

Encourage Teens To Share Feelings

In our family, we have found the best conversations take place late at night, when the lights are dim and there is pizza to share. Teens and young adults open up their sore places in their hearts when you aren’t eye-ball to eye-ball and busy with a million other things.

I encourage you to take the time in a relaxed setting to connect with your children about how to deal with the loss of their pet. How this is handled now, will remain with them for the rest of their life and will have an influence on how they approach death of other loved ones later in life.

Please check out my latest book “I Lost My Best Friend Today – Healing from Loss of a Pet” You will be so glad you did. It contains a collection of stories and photos of others who have lost their pets.

http://www.Deathofmypet.com

In support,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and motivational speaker

Help Children Deal With Pet Loss

admin — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 14:09:58 +0000

Hello from beautiful Montana:

How do you help your children deal with the loss of a Pet?

Most young children are more curious than sad when a pet disappears. However, it is a major turning point in their development when they see how adults deal with the loss of a pet. Remember, they are looking to you to see how to develop values, ethics and standards of behavior.

You will find most very young children ask questions to try to put the death experience in a framework they can understand and process. Under the age of six, they tend to be very self centered and assume that they may have been responsible in some way for the disappearance.

Here are some specific ways to help the different ages and stages of children deal with the loss of a pet.

Under 6 years of age

Children this young may not have had enough life experiences to truly understand what death, dying or long term illness may mean. They will sense your emotions and may be confused unless you explain why you are sad about the family dog being ill and the loss you will feel when he dies.

Be especially reassuring that you are not upset with them or anything they did as you maintain your normal schedule and feel your own grief.

Young children will welcome a new pet and easily connect with it.

Children age 7 to 11 years old

This age group of tweens knows and understands that death is permanent. This may bring up some fears and feelings of what if a parent should become ill and die.

Young people, most do not like to be called children any more, are much more interested in the details and the morbid aspects of the death. This is normal and their questions need to be answered in an accepting way.

If they do not have an avenue for sharing feelings, emotions and questions about the pet loss, they may have trouble sleeping, eating or begin wetting the bed again.

Sometimes the pet loss triggers other disappointments and losses in life, and the child may become withdrawn while trying to figure it all out. Or, he or she may become aggressive, argumentative and antisocial in a veiled attempt to gain attention and comfort.

Young Adults Who Lose a Pet

Peer acceptance of expressing feelings can make the transition easier. If the friends downplay the sorrow, the adolescent may bury the hurt feelings and questions in his heart, and not feel safe sharing them.

In our family, we have found the best conversations take place late at night, when the lights are dim and there is pizza to share. Teens and young adults open up their sore places in their hearts when you aren't eye-ball to eye-ball and busy with a million other things.

Good Luck, You do an Important Work,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: If you feel that your life is out of balance right now, you will benefit from an affordable and effective eBook at http://artichokepress.com/products/ebooks/ballance.htm

Children and Pet Loss

admin — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 15:35:22 +0000

Hello from Montana,

The death of a family pet may be the most traumatic loss your children face. Young children develop very strong and deep feelings about the animals in their lives. They may think of them as siblings, companions, playmates and protectors.

Unconditional Love Between Pets and Children

A few years ago, I was writing an article on resilient children called "Be A Bounce Back KId." as part of the research I interviewed a dozen 5th grade and younger children about what they did to bounce back from a disappointment or a particularly bad time in their lives.

I was very surprised to find that the number one comfort for the kids was pets and animals. Those who had live pets in their lives or neighborhood would go to them for comfort and companionship. Those that did not have live pets, had a stuffed animal which represented comfort for them.

Many expressed the belief that the animals loved them unconditionally. It did not matter if they got a D in school or wasn't chosen for the school play. Their dog was happy to see them anyway. Laughing and playing with the pet helped them to bounce back from the bad day.

Emotional Stress On Losing a Pet

Even seemingly well adjusted adults grieve over the death of their best friend and pet. It then stands to reason, that children will have questions, concerns and worries over the death process and what happens afterward.

Parents need to be effective listeners to the questions the children may ask as well as the unspoken concerns the child may not bring up in conversation. It is wise to be ready to explain what has happened to the animal, offer information and be careful not to project our own emotional bias on the situation.

Common Concerns of Children Around the Loss of a Pet

Was it my fault for not feeding him last week?
Will he come back?
Where did he go?
Where is he right now (May want to see the body or find out where it is)
If I get sick, will you have the doctor give me a shot to make me die?
What if I go to sleep and don't wake up?
What if I forget him?
Why did God want him, he was our dog.

Adults Need to Model That it is Okay to Feel Sad

Our tendency is to try to protect small children from the harsh realities of life. However, by not acknowledging our own mourning and sadness, the child may feel less inclined to share his concerns.

children look to us for guidance in word as well as actions. If they are old enough to reason, then they can sense there is something wrong and they are being left out of the conversations about topics that concern them.

The death of a pet to children matters a great deal in their young life. How this is handled now will remain with the child for the rest of his life.

Children are Resilient, But Need Guidance

A child's ability to cope is very much dependent on the adults around him. I encourage honest and open communication as well an opportunity to share feelings, fear and concerns without judgment. This will assist them in not only dealing with the death of their pet, but other disappointments in their lives.

Good luck in this important endeavor,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: If you would like assistance in being more resilient, check out the affordable and effective eBook "Living a Balanced Life" in the on-line store at http://www.ArtichokePress.com