When Death Is Near

Most young children are more curious than sad when a pet disappears.  However, it is a major turning point in their development when they see how adults deal with the loss of a pet. Remember, they are looking to you to see how to develop values, ethics and standards of behavior.

You will find most very young children ask questions to try to put the death experience in a framework they can understand and process. Under the age of six, they tend to be very self centered and assume that they may have been responsible in some way for the disappearance.

Here are some specific ways to help the different ages and stages of children deal with the loss of a pet.

Children this young may not have had enough life experiences to truly understand what death, dying or long term illness may mean.  They will sense your emotions and may be confused unless you explain why you are sad about the family dog being ill and the loss you will feel when he dies.

Be especially reassuring that you are not upset with them or anything they did as you maintain your normal schedule and feel your own grief.

Young children will welcome a new pet and easily connect with it.

This age group of tweens knows and understands that death is permanent. This may bring up some fears and feelings of what if a parent should become ill and die.

Young people, most do not like to be called children any more, are much more interested in the details and the morbid aspects of the death.  This is normal and their questions need to be answered in an accepting way.

If they do not have an avenue for sharing feelings, emotions and questions about the pet loss, they may have trouble sleeping, eating or begin wetting the bed again.

Sometimes the pet loss triggers other disappointments and losses in life, and the child may become withdrawn while trying to figure it all out. Or, he or she may become aggressive, argumentative and antisocial in a veiled attempt to gain attention and comfort.

The loss of a pet to this age group can be particularly hard.  The Pet may have been a source of unconditional love and companionship during childhood. Many young people look at their pet as an anchor of childhood; always loving, forgiving and loyal.

Peer acceptance of expressing feelings can make the transition easier.  If the friends downplay the sorrow, the adolescent may bury the hurt feelings and questions in his heart, and not feel safe sharing them.

Remember this is the time in life when young adults are trying to find their own true feelings and discover who and what they are as individuals.  They may want your understanding, guidance and reassurance, but may use conflict to deflect the opportunities to share.

In our family, we have found the best conversations take place late at night, when the lights are dim and there is pizza to share.  Teens and young adults open up their sore places in their hearts when you aren't eye-ball to eye-ball and busy with a million other things.

I encourage you to take the time in a relaxed setting to connect with your children about how to deal with the loss of their pet.  How this is handled now, will remain with them for the rest of their life and will have an influence on how they approach death of other loved ones later in life.

Good Luck, You do an Important Work,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: If you feel that your life is out of balance right now, you will benefit from an affordable and effective eBook at http://artichokepress.com/products/ebooks/ballance.htm