Boundaries are not fences to keep friends and family out, but rather guidelines on where we, personally, feel the most comfortable.  Many people are hesitant to set boundaries for fear of hurting feelings or causing resentments.  However, people are not mind readers and do not know what you want and don’t want.  You must be clear about your needs and desires.

Communicate What You Need

Rather than hope others will guess what you want to do or have in your life, speak up and tell them. It is important that we discuss our choices with them, especially in times of grief and loss. Everyone is emotionally off kilter when there has been a death and may make decisions for you because they think they are being helpful.

Each one of us deals with death and crisis in our own way.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve or to act during a loss of a loved one.  Our feelings, coping mechanisms, sleep patterns, ability to think rationally or even to remember significant facts may be altered.

One Notebook or Command Center

Our family found it very helpful for one person to keep an on-going notebook of dates, times, phone numbers and schedules. Everyone referred to her and the notebook, rather than doing some things twice and forgetting to do things. This relived our mother from answering the same question over and over and then not remembering when Cousin Don was arriving.

It also made sure the obituary was correct and that the funeral arrangements were what the departed would have wanted.  It was a final gift of love to the whole family.

Life is Difficult When Grieving

Grieving a loss is difficult in the best of times, but holidays make the choices even more confusing. The best advice I can give you to get through this tough time is to set your boundaries and communicate what you need and want from others.

I have confidence in you.  You are stronger than you thought.

In support and love,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote motivational speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Support of Friends and Family

For those of us who are Baby Boomers, deaths in the family are becoming more and more routine. Cousins who never have time to come to family reunions or wedding celebrations are now gathering in Intensive Care Units and funeral homes.  Siblings who argued over toys, now make decsions on  how to divide heirlooms.

All of us will face death of loved ones at some time or another and yet we have no training on how to act and some may fall back on old patterns of behavior. Especially negative behavior from old wounds.  If our experiences surrounded other deaths were uncomfortable, we will bring those same emotions and feelings into these situations.

Choose to Deal With Relatives in a Positive Way

Unfinished business from the past doesn’t simply disappear. If it is not dealt with, at least internally, it will resurface later in unexpected and troubling ways.

Don’t buy into the drama that some family members enjoy creating.  Recognize that each person handles life and death differently.  Do your best to honor the dead as well as the living, by making emotional choices that are wise for you, not knee-jerk reactions.

We can allow emotional triggers that push us back into being selfish, complaining and attention seeking children.  Or, on the other hand, we can recognize an emotional trigger for what it is; simply a signal your subconscious is sending to your conscious mind. It can help us to think before reacting, and make a conscious choice to speak, act and  offer comfort in a giving way.

Allow Grief to Bring Out Your Best

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross once said ” When you look back at the anguish, suffering, and traumas in your life,  you’ll see that these are the periods of biggest growth.  After a loss that brings you dreadfully painful moments, you are a different man, a different woman.  Many years later, you will be able to look back and see the positive things–togetherness in your family, faith or whatever — that came out of your pain.”

Families are where we came from, but not necessarily where we are going.  We are bound to those we love and those who love us by shared experiences as well as our individual perceptions. It is important for us to be in a place where we join other family members to remember the good times and able to celebrate this passing of a loved one into the next plane of existence.

So, when the phone rings in the middle of night and it is news of the aunt, cousin, brother or other close family member who is dying or has died, know that you have a choice.  This trial or suffering or sorrow is an opportunity for you to grow closer to the rest of the family.

It is a chance to reunite, forgive and let go of old wounds.  It is a chance to allow your best side to show. Let this be your final gift to your loved one.

With understanding and love,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

My friend sent me this story this morning because she knew I was collecting stories about death of pets.  This is a great story. Have your Kleenex handy.

They told me the big
> black Lab’s name was Reggie as I looked at him lying in
> his pen. The shelter was clean, no-kill, and the
> people really friendly. I’d only been in the area for
> six months, but everywhere I went in the small college town,
> people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves when
> you pass them on the street.
>
> But something was still missing as I attempted to settle in
> to my new life here, and I thought a dog couldn’t
> hurt. Give me someone to talk to. And I had just seen
> Reggie’s advertisement on the local news. The
> shelter said they had received numerous calls right after,
> but they said the people who had come down to see him just
> didn’t look like “Lab people,” whatever that
> meant. They must’ve thought I did.
>
> But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in
> giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted of a dog
> pad, bag of toys almost all of which were brand new tennis
> balls, his dishes, and a sealed letter from his previous
> owner. See, Reggie and I didn’t really hit it off
> when we got home. We struggled for two weeks (which is
> how long the shelter told me to give him to adjust to his
> new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was trying to
> adjust, too. Maybe we were too much alike.
>
> For some reason, his stuff (except for the tennis balls -
> he wouldn’t go anywhere without two stuffed in his
> mouth) got tossed in with all of my other unpacked
> boxes. I guess I didn’t really think he’d need
> all his old stuff, that I’d get him new things once he
> settled in. but it became pretty clear pretty soon
> that he wasn’t going to.
>
> I tried the normal commands the shelter told me he knew,
> ones like “sit” and “stay” and
> “come” and “heel,” and he’d follow
> them – when he felt like it. He never really seemed to
> listen when I called his name – sure, he’d look in my
> direction after the fourth of fifth time I said it, but then
> he’d just go back to doing whatever. When I’d
> ask again, you could almost see him sigh and then grudgingly
> obey.
>
> This just wasn’t going to work. He chewed a
> couple shoes and some unpacked boxes. I was a little
> too stern with him and he resented it, I could tell. The
> friction got so bad that I couldn’t wait for the two
> weeks to be up, and when it was, I was in full-on search
> mode for my cellphone amid all of my unpacked stuff. I
> remembered leaving it on the stack of boxes for the guest
> room, but I also mumbled, rather cynically, that the
> “damn dog probably hid it on me.”
>
> Finally I found it, but before I could punch up the
> shelter’s number, I also found his pad and other toys
> from the shelter.. I tossed the pad in Reggie’s
> direction and he snuffed it and wagged, some of the most
> enthusiasm I’d seen since bringing him home. But
> then I called, “Hey, Reggie, you like that? Come
> here and I’ll give you a treat.”  Instead, he
> sort of glanced in my direction – maybe “glared”
> is more accurate – and then gave a discontented sigh and
> flopped down. With his back to me.
>
> Well, that’s not going to do it either, I
> thought. And I punched the shelter phone number.
>
> But I hung up when I saw the sealed envelope. I had
> completely forgotten about that, too. “Okay,
> Reggie,”  I said out loud, “let’s see if
> your previous owner has any advice.”………
> ———————————————————————————-
>
>
>
> To Whoever Gets My Dog: Well, I can’t say that I’m
> happy you’re reading this, a letter I told the shelter
> could only be opened by Reggie’s new owner. I’m not
> even happy writing it. If you’re reading this, it
> means I just got back from my last car ride with my Lab
> after dropping him off at the shelter. He knew
> something was different.. I have packed up his pad and
> toys before and set them by the back door before a trip, but
> this time… it’s like he knew something was
> wrong. And something is wrong… which is why I have
> to go to try to make it right.
>
> So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes that it will
> help you bond with him and he with you.
>
> First, he loves tennis balls.. the more the merrier.
> Sometimes I think he’s part squirrel, the way he hordes
> them. He usually always has two in his mouth, and he
> tries to get a third in there. Hasn’t done it
> yet. Doesn’t matter where you throw them,
> he’ll bound after it, so be careful – really don’t
> do it by any roads. I made that mistake once, and it
> almost cost him dearly.
>
> Next, commands. Maybe the shelter staff already told
> you, but I’ll go over them again: Reggie knows the
> obvious ones – “sit,” “stay,”
> “come,” “heel.”  He knows hand
> signals: “back” to turn around and go back when
> you put your hand straight up; and “over” if you
> put your hand out right or left. “Shake” for
> shaking water off, and “paw” for a
> high-five. He does “down” when he feels like
> lying down – I bet you could work on that with him some
> more. He knows “ball” and “food”
> and “bone” and “treat” like nobody’s
> business.
>
> I trained Reggie with small food treats. Nothing
> opens his ears like little pieces of hot dog.
>
> Feeding schedule: twice a day, once about seven in
> the morning, and again at six in the evening. Regular
> store-bought stuff; the shelter has the brand.
>
> He’s up on his shots. Call the clinic on 9th Street and
> update his info with yours; they’ll make sure to send
> you reminders for when he’s due. Be
> forewarned: Reggie hates the vet. Good luck
> getting him in the car – I don’t know how he knows when
> it’s time to go to the vet, but he knows.
> Finally, give him some time. I’ve never been married,
> so it’s only been Reggie and me for his whole
> life. He’s gone everywhere with me, so please
> include him on your daily car rides if you can. He
> sits well in the backseat, and he doesn’t bark or
> complain. He just loves to be around people, and me
> most especially.
>
> Which means that this transition is going to be hard, with
> him going to live with someone new.
>
> And that’s why I need to share one more bit of info
> with you….
>
> His name’s not Reggie.
>
> I don’t know what made me do it, but when I dropped him
> off at the shelter, I told them his name was Reggie.
> He’s a smart dog, he’ll get used to it and will
> respond to it, of that I have no doubt. but I just
> couldn’t bear to give them his real name. For me
> to do that, it seemed so final, that handing him over to the
> shelter was as good as me admitting that I’d never see
> him again. And if I end up coming back, getting him,
> and tearing up this letter, it means everything’s
> fine. But if someone else is reading it, well… well
> it means that his new owner should know his real name.
> It’ll help you bond with him. Who knows, maybe
> you’ll even notice a change in his demeanor if he’s
> been giving you problems.
>
> His real name is
> Tank.
> Because that is what I drive.
>
> Again, if you’re reading this and you’re from the
> area, maybe my name has been on the news. I told the
> shelter that they couldn’t make “Reggie”
> available for adoption until they received word from my
> company commander. See, my parents are gone, I have no
> siblings, no one I could’ve left Tank with… and it was
> my only real request of the Army upon my deployment to Iraq,
> that they make one phone call the the shelter… in the
> “event”… to tell them that Tank could be put up
> for adoption. Luckily, my colonel is a dog guy, too,
> and he knew where my platoon was headed.. He said
> he’d do it personally. And if you’re reading
> this, then he made good on his word.
>
> Well, this letter is getting to downright depressing, even
> though, frankly, I’m just writing it for my dog. I
> couldn’t imagine if I was writing it for a wife and kids
> and family. but still, Tank has been my family for the
> last six years, almost as long as the Army has been my
> family.
>
> And now I hope and pray that you make him part of your
> family and that he will adjust and come to love you the same
> way he loved me.
>
> That unconditional love from a dog is what I took with me
> to Iraq as an inspiration to do something selfless, to
> protect innocent people from those who would do terrible
> things… and to keep those terrible people from coming over
> here. If I had to give up Tank in order to do it, I am
> glad to have done so. He was my example of service and
> of love. I hope I honored him by my service to my
> country and comrades.
>
> All right, that’s enough. I deploy this evening and
> have to drop this letter off at the shelter. I
> don’t think I’ll say another good-bye to Tank,
> though. I cried too much the first time. Maybe
> I’ll peek in on him and see if he finally got that third
> tennis ball in his mouth.
>
> Good luck with Tank. Give him a good home, and give
> him an extra kiss goodnight – every night – from me.
>
> Thank you, Paul Mallory
> ____________________________________
>
> I folded the letter and slipped it back in the
> envelope. Sure I had heard of Paul Mallory, everyone
> in town knew him, even new people like me. Local kid,
> killed in Iraq a few months ago and posthumously earning the
> Silver Star when he gave his life to save three
> buddies. Flags had been at half-mast all summer.
>
> I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my
> knees, staring at the dog.
>
> “Hey, Tank,” I said quietly.
>
> The dog’s head whipped up, his ears cocked and his eyes
> bright.
>
> “C’mere boy.”
>
> He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the
> hardwood floor. He sat in front of me, his head
> tilted, searching for the name he hadn’t heard in
> months.
>
> “Tank,” I
> whispered.
> His tail swished.
>
> I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time,
> his ears lowered, his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed
> as a wave of contentment just seemed to flood him. I
> stroked his ears, rubbed his shoulders, buried my face into
> his scruff and hugged him.
>
> “It’s me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal
> gave you to me.”  Tank reached up and licked my
> cheek. “So whatdaya say we play some ball?
> His ears perked again. “Yeah? Ball? You
> like that? Ball?”  Tank tore from my hands and
> disappeared in the next room.
>
> And when he came back, he had three tennis balls in his
> mouth.
>

:

People what
are nearing end of life have a deep desire to know their live has had meaning
and they have not lived in vain.  The greatest gift one can bestow on humanity
is to teach and share wisdom. This is a way to insure that while your body may
leave this earth, your words will linger.

Caregivers,family,
medical personnel and social support staff have an opportunity to help the ill
person to do a short life review. As a member of the Montana StoryKeepers, we
have done a number of end-of-life stories and have found great satisfaction and
joy from the storyteller as well as others.

Keep
It Short

It is a big
job to write a memoir or autobiography and may seem overwhelming to caregiver
and patient. So, make it clear that you just want to gather "little life
lessons" which will then be passed to others.

Ask
Very Specific Questions

1.   
Do you
remember your first day of school? How did you get there? What were you wearing?
Were your parents glad to see you go to school?

2.   
What is
your favorite breakfast?  How do you like your eggs cooked? 

3.   
 What was
the worst job you ever had? What did
you learn there?  

Ask
Open Ended Questions

This type
of question allows the person to reflect on past life and give advice for the
future. You offer incomplete sentences and allow the patient to complete
them.

1.   
The best
way to be a family is to_________________________________

2.   
In life I
feel people need to cherish
_______________________________  
 

  3.The one
thing I want people to remember about me is_____________________

 Remember to End on a
Happy Note                                                    
                                                                               
                                 Because you have taken the mind on a trip to the
past, there may be some sad or painful memories that have floated to the top.
 While this may be important for the patient to sort out, you don't want him or
her to dwell on unpleasant things.  Be sure that no matter how the conversation
went, bring them back to the present by making simple statements such as;   

1.You have
shared some great memories today, but I am ready for lunch. What sounds good to
you? 

2.   What are
you going to do for the rest of the day?  

3.   
what are you
looking forward to doing today?

Thanks for
being a caregiver and support system to those who need you. This will be some of
the most important work you will ever do.

Judy
H. Wright
aka
Auntie
Artichoke

Author, Parent Educator,International
Speaker/Trainer

For media contacts:  406-549-9813

Full listing of books & classes at www.ArtichokePress.com

Check out www.UseEncouragingWords.com  for
a FREE
eBook!!

Share your comments and suggestions at the
blogs:

Ask Auntie
Artichoke and
When Death Is
Near

Are you attracting an abundant life? Abundant Living
Legacy

Today I took a walk in the Springtime. It was wonderful to see flowers blooming and leaves opening up on the trees.  So great to hear the birds singing again. Winters are long in Montana. Sometimes we despair of Spring and joy  ever coming again.

Much like those who are going through hard times and trouble in their lives. Perhaps you are in pain right now because you can't see a bright future ahead.  You may be discouraged and filled with anxiety.

We all Have Losses and Adversity

As I looked at the trees  in our yard today and heard a neighbor pruning the branches on his lilac bushes, I was struck by the metaphor of humans who lost something only to gain something greater.

Many times it is the times of trouble where we learn the most. Like the trees who are pruned to allow new growth, we come out of trouble and adversity different people than we were earlier.

Trees and People Grow Strong

Winter and trouble may make us sad. Spring and Renewal make us remember.  A time of trouble or overgrowth can be changed to a time of growth. May you recognize that you, too, will see Spring again.

With gratitude and love,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach and author
http://www.ArtichokePress.com

As I was posting in my main blog http://www.AskAuntieArtichoke.com  I realized that today was the death anniversary of a baby 37 years ago!

Time moves on, people come and go, but our hearts always remember.  She was a stillborn child and her spirit left on Christmas day in Honolulu, Hawaii where we were living at the time.

I felt her spirit leave and made the decision to carry the body for another 2 and half weeks until birth, rather than have a Cesarean operation. it was a very spiritually intensive time as well as pain filled.

Triggers to our memories

Sometimes it is a smell, event, person, food or mood that will trigger memories that bring everything rushing back to the middle of our thoughts and feelings.

It is okay and good to remember and rejoice that you had the opportunity to learn from your loved one, even if just for a short while.

Pet Loss book coming soon

Many of you may remember when I asked for stories of pets that had died.  Well, the book is being edited as we speak.  What a treasure it will be.  I will keep you posted.

One of the quotes I used in compiling the book of stories of those who are trying to deal with death of a pet  is:

Thank you for being my friend for always and always and always.

In Gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach and author

Be sure to pick up your free eBook on communication at http://www.ArtichokePress.com