When Death Is Near » Religion

Explaining Death And Dying To Children

admin — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 01:59:57 +0000

A positive attitude and clear answers will help.

Hello from beautiful Montana:

What is death? What does Dead Mean?

These questions are some of the hardest for parents to answer, especially because most have not examined their own feelings,

emotions and believe systems around death and dying. Most of the parents I teach in parenting classes tell me that the only questions they

dread more are about sex!

How do you explain death to a child? If you have religious beliefs that bring you comfort and you want to explain death in that concept, you still need to phrases answers so the child has an accurate understanding. Parents and caring adults need to remember that young children tend to take words and explanations literally since they have difficulty thinking in the abstract. So when you say “God loved your dad so much, He took him to heaven” the young son may worry that God will love him that much too. A daughter may worry that her loved was insufficient and so she is being punished.

Where Do People Go When They Die?

If you are comfortable with explaining that life is eternal and we go to heaven, then do so. My personal belief is that earth life is a part of a cycle and the spirit lives on even though the body is no longer needed. To explain to our grand daughter, I used the analogy of the hand in a glove. It was not the glove (body) that was moving but rather the spirit (hand). The glove’s use is done for right now, but the spirit moves on to another plane of existence.

I also asked her how she felt when she knew that we were 500 miles away and she could not see us. Did she think we still loved her? Could she feel our love even when we could not talk or communicate? Did she feel secure that we would reunite at some point? She was relieved to know that just as seeds sleep in the ground in the winter (they have a lovely garden) they come again when the time is right.

What If Child Is Afraid

Once again it is wise to think about what you are going to say. If you tell your child that “Grandpa just went to sleep” they may be fearful of going to bed. If you have an opportunity to speak about death when it is not someone they know closely, they will be able to put death into a context they can understand. Very young children think that only old people die, unless they have personal experience and may be fearful that their parents are getting old and will die soon.

If a beloved pet dies, be sure to include the child in the decisions about burial or having a memorial ceremony. Help them to be reassured they are safe and that you will protect them to the best of your ability.

Questions for you to ponder:

How do you feel about death? What does the word mean to you?
How was death taught to you as a child? Do you remember losing a pet?
What are your views on Heaven or an Afterlife?
How old were you when you attended your first funeral?

This is a difficult subject for families to discuss, but it is an important part of life and the subject is best dealt with before a death occurs. Hopefully, this will open dialog between you and your child about death and dying.

Your friend,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

PS: Please join our community at http://www.AskAuntieArtichoke.com

You will be glad you did.

Grief Work is Hard Work – Take Time To Heal

admin — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 15:19:50 +0000

Hello from Montana:

Most people get very nostalgic because their minds and

Bereavement and Grief are hard work. Be clear in setting boundaries and what you need from others. give yourself time to heal from loss.

hearts are triggered by sights, sounds, smells and events. Smelling of pine trees reminds them of the Christmas when Grandpa brought the tree. It is true that grief work is hard work and it takes much energy, emotion and time.

Take Time To Heal

No matter when or how our loss happened, we will still remember and reflect on the person who is no longer in our physical world. It is important to allow yourself to be human and to recognize sometimes you are too overwhelmed with sad emotions to meet the expectations of others.

When you are working through grief and it is hard work, you need to plan ahead as much as possible. By setting boundaries and establishing limits, you will not be constantly bombarded with requests and demands.

Set Boundaries In Clear, Calm Voice

Most people (even Uncle George if told often enough) will accept a yes or no when asked to participate. When you falter or are wishy washy with a request by saying “I will try, but I can’t promise” or “Maybe…we will see” that causes confusion.

If you are asked to contribute a pie because you always contribute a pie, then say “This year I am spending my energy close to home. Please ask someone else to bring a pie.” Or, “I am guarding my energy this year, so I can give you money to purchase one, but don’t want the worry of making one. Maybe next year.”

Give Yourself Gift of Self-Care

Just as you need to be clear about what you can contribute to others this year, you also need to be clear about what you need and want from them. If you need phones calls or meeting for lunch or your sidewalk shoveled, then say so.

No one can really read minds, so be very clear and calm in asking for what you need. I remember calling a friend after the death of her husband and I said, like I have a million other times; “What can I do to help you?” She didn’t miss a beat, but said; “I would like to have my windows washed, it would make the world seem brighter.”

While I was washing the windows, I was impressed again and again at how clear and concise her request was. She knew that people would ask to help and she knew just what would make her feel better.

Grief is hard work and takes time to heal, but the time is easier when you have companions and support along the way.

I have confidence in your ability to be find ways and means to heal yourself.

In support and love,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Rituals, Memorials, Tributes and Funerals-Grieving Together

admin — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 12:30:06 +0000

Hello from beautiful Montana:

There are many dates which bring a national or universal remembrance. For my generation, it will always be November 22, 1963 and the date John F. Kennedy was assassinated. In the minds of Americans who were adults or near adults can remember vividly what we were doing and how we reacted when we heard the news.

For our children and our children's children the date was 911. It was an ending of an era of national confidence and a deep sadness about the losses suffered.

As a nation and a culture, we were joined in our grief and sadness. We needed a way to express our anger, confusion and mourning. We needed a way to say Goodbye to what might have been and could be no more. We needed closure to the intensity of feelings that grief brings to a person.

Funerals, Memorials, Tributes and Rituals Bring Comfort

The rituals and ceremonies surrounding Funerals and Memorials bring us together and bind us in our common grief and facilitate the release of the one who has died. When we remember the intense feelings and raw emotion of the days following either a national disaster or a personal loss, we recognize the need for joining with others to release some of the emotional toll.

The Grieving Process

Many people need a closure of a ceremony of funeral or Memorial in order to finalize the death in their minds and hearts. Some choose traditional religious services because they provide structure and familiarity. Some choose to simply have a gathering where it is much more relaxed. At these memorials, friends and family share stories and memories which bring laughter and tears.

To be helpful to those who are survivors the ritual of the funeral or Memorial ideally will have some meaning to them personally. If possible, the ceremony will involve their participation in some small way. This is a way to signify to each of us, no matter how closely we were affiliated, a chapter of life is closing.

Talk to Children About Death

admin — Mon, 25 May 2009 20:13:45 +0000

Today is Memorial Day in the United States and an opportunity for families, friends and neighbors to get together to socialize and share food. The other order of the day is the sharing of stories of loved ones who are dead, but not forgotten.

Children who have been exposed to the concept of death as part of the life cycle are not as afraid as those whose families never spoke of it. Death and dying are not subjects that come on a daily basis, but when an opportunity arises, such a Memorial Day picnic, it is perfectly natural to include it in the conversation.

We all Suffer Loss of Some Kind

Children can see that adults enjoy telling funny stories and remembering ancestors who have died and may even shed a tear or two. It is okay to mourn the loss of loved ones and to feel save sharing those feelings with others.

So many questions about life and death don't have easy answers. The adults who are trying to give information have to do that from a point of view, their own experiences or their beliefs. You may want to reassure the child that even though no one can tell you exactly how it feels to die, since they have not yet died, they can share opinions and their own impressions.

Help young people to know that there is no such thing as a dumb question and they should feel free to ask about what they don't understand. Adults may be embarrassed or ill at ease, not because of the question, but because they may have fears and unresolved feelings.

Talk About Death Before Someone Dies

Children do have an understanding that each of us will die at some point and those left behind will be sad and lonely. The more prepared the whole family is in expressing not only feelings and emotions of sadness, but the joy and happiness that comes from being together, the easier it will be to discuss life and death.

Memorial Day or Decoration Day

The custom of decorating graves with flowers, wreaths and flags began in the Civil War. Families would gather to honor their loved ones who had been lost in war and through other deaths through the years. It continues to annually be a time for sharing memories, stories and food.

Death is a Part of Life

Most children are curious and will ask many questions if given the chance. Rather than shooing them away when they ask leading questions, use the family gathering to share deep feelings with one another. The adults are probably grateful to have a forum for discussion too.

With love and support, Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach and author

http://www.ArtichokePress.com