When Death Is Near » obituary

Set Your Boundaries & Communicate What You Need

admin — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 19:50:33 +0000

Greetings from beautiful Montana;

Boundaries are not fences to keep friends and family out, but rather guidelines on where we, personally, feel the most comfortable. Many people are hesitant to set boundaries for fear of hurting feelings or causing resentments. However, people are not mind readers and do not know what you want and don’t want. You must be clear about your needs and desires.

Communicate What You Need

Rather than hope others will guess what you want to do or have in your life, speak up and tell them. It is important that we discuss our choices with them, especially in times of grief and loss. Everyone is emotionally off kilter when there has been a death and may make decisions for you because they think they are being helpful.

Each one of us deals with death and crisis in our own way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve or to act during a loss of a loved one. Our feelings, coping mechanisms, sleep patterns, ability to think rationally or even to remember significant facts may be altered.

One Notebook or Command Center

Our family found it very helpful for one person to keep an on-going notebook of dates, times, phone numbers and schedules. Everyone referred to her and the notebook, rather than doing some things twice and forgetting to do things. This relived our mother from answering the same question over and over and then not remembering when Cousin Don was arriving.

It also made sure the obituary was correct and that the funeral arrangements were what the departed would have wanted. It was a final gift of love to the whole family.

Life is Difficult When Grieving

Grieving a loss is difficult in the best of times, but holidays make the choices even more confusing. The best advice I can give you to get through this tough time is to set your boundaries and communicate what you need and want from others.

I have confidence in you. You are stronger than you thought.

In support and love,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote motivational speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Loss of a Pet – Burial or Cremation

admin — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 15:18:42 +0000

Hello from beautiful Montana:

The loss of a beloved pet and best friend is devastating. In interviewing hundreds of pet owners and sharing their stories, it is plain to see that the loss of a pet may trigger many other emotions about relationships, both animal and human.

The final days of your pet’s life may be the most difficult period of your relationship, and yet it can also be a rewarding and spirit filled time together. The period after the death can be very hard as you make the decision for burial or cremation of your pet.

Cremation of Animals

Most veterinarians have access to a crematorium, where the earthly body is handled with respect and burned. If you choose cremation, the casket or urn containing the ashes will be returned to you. Many people are having jewelry made out of the “cremains” of their pet.

Burial of Your Pet

It is not unusual for families and individuals to choose to bury their pet somewhere that holds significance for them. You may need to check local ordinances, but most areas will allow you to bury a pet on land that you own. If you do not have a suitable area for this, you may decide to purchase a burial plot at the pet cemetery.

Prices of a pet burial plot will vary, depending on size of plot, if a casket is used or a service is provided. Many of the pet cemeteries that friends have used included the cost of a small granite marker in the price of the burial. Some have a space for a picture of the pet.

Memorial To Your Best Friend and Pet

There are many ways to memorialize in a physical manner. Of course, your memories will always be filled with thoughts of your time together.

You can also plant a tree, donate food or time to the local animal shelter, have a portrait painted, write a poem, song or story about your time together.

It is your decision when your pet dies; burial or cremation. Either way, you will always remember and be grateful for the life lessons you learned from your pet. Owning and loving animals make us better people.

You are invited to go to http://www.deathofmypet.com the site of our latest book to share stories, photos and memorials of those who have lost a pet. You will be glad you did.

With love,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

Death in The Family Brings Out Best and Worst In All Of Us

admin — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 18:11:39 +0000

Hello from beautiful Montana. Death of family members brings out the best and worst in how we act and react to bad news.

For those of us who are Baby Boomers, deaths in the family are becoming more and more routine. Cousins who never have time to come to family reunions or wedding celebrations are now gathering in Intensive Care Units and funeral homes. Siblings who argued over toys, now make decsions on how to divide heirlooms.

All of us will face death of loved ones at some time or another and yet we have no training on how to act and some may fall back on old patterns of behavior. Especially negative behavior from old wounds. If our experiences surrounded other deaths were uncomfortable, we will bring those same emotions and feelings into these situations.

Choose to Deal With Relatives in a Positive Way

Unfinished business from the past doesn’t simply disappear. If it is not dealt with, at least internally, it will resurface later in unexpected and troubling ways.

Don’t buy into the drama that some family members enjoy creating. Recognize that each person handles life and death differently. Do your best to honor the dead as well as the living, by making emotional choices that are wise for you, not knee-jerk reactions.

We can allow emotional triggers that push us back into being selfish, complaining and attention seeking children. Or, on the other hand, we can recognize an emotional trigger for what it is; simply a signal your subconscious is sending to your conscious mind. It can help us to think before reacting, and make a conscious choice to speak, act and offer comfort in a giving way.

Allow Grief to Bring Out Your Best

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross once said ” When you look back at the anguish, suffering, and traumas in your life, you’ll see that these are the periods of biggest growth. After a loss that brings you dreadfully painful moments, you are a different man, a different woman. Many years later, you will be able to look back and see the positive things–togetherness in your family, faith or whatever — that came out of your pain.”

Families are where we came from, but not necessarily where we are going. We are bound to those we love and those who love us by shared experiences as well as our individual perceptions. It is important for us to be in a place where we join other family members to remember the good times and able to celebrate this passing of a loved one into the next plane of existence.

So, when the phone rings in the middle of night and it is news of the aunt, cousin, brother or other close family member who is dying or has died, know that you have a choice. This trial or suffering or sorrow is an opportunity for you to grow closer to the rest of the family.

It is a chance to reunite, forgive and let go of old wounds. It is a chance to allow your best side to show. Let this be your final gift to your loved one.

With understanding and love,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

Funerals and Memorials-Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep

admin — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 17:51:10 +0000

Hello from Montana:

It seems there have been a lot of deaths of important people in the news lately, Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawsett, Ed McMahan and others. We feel sadness for their families and friends However, the most important funeral, memorial and grave is the one of your own loved one. If you have recently lost a friend, family member or close associate, I extend my deepest sympathy to you.

When I have been asked to speak at funerals and memorials, I often refer to this favorite poem. Perhaps it will bring you comfort or give you words to match your thoughts. It is often easier to use another person's words because they express what you want to say.

Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn's rain.

Do not stand at my grave and mourn.
I am the dew-flecked grass at dawn.
Where tranquil oceans meet the land
I am the footprints in the sand
To guide you through the weary day.
I am still here; I'll always stay.

When you wake up to morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there; I did not die.

Original attributed to Mary Elizabeth Frye (1905-2004)
Middle verse added by Lucie Storrs (1967- )

It is a wonderful honor to be asked to share a eulogy of a loved one who has died. It is also very frightening to try to find the words and expressions which will bring comfort to the bereaved.
You can do it , I believe in you.

Would you like additional poems to comfort the grieving? Visit http://www.DoNotWeep.com This is a wonderful collection of literature dealing with loss and death. If you choose to order it, you will be glad you did. I certainly was.

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker
http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Feelings and Emotions Around Loss of Loved One

admin — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 14:15:15 +0000

Loss of a Loved One is Devastating Blow

You can expect a wide range of emotions when you have lost someone who had influence in your life. Don't feel like you should only expect feelings of love, for that is only one of the many emotions that come gurgling to the surface when someone you loved has died.

The labor of grieving and truly feeling the emotions surrounding the loss of a loved one is very complex and sometimes hard to understand. Many people judge others because they don't seem to be "doing it right."

No One Way to Grieve or to Feel

The only loving advice I would give you is to be gentle with yourself. Expect to feel emotions in unexpected ways. You may have the urge to anesthetize feelings and drown the hurt with food, drugs, alcohol, work or being busy all the time.

I would urge you to feel the feelings fully as they come up, because if you stuff them down, they will not go away. Indeed, they may resurface later when you least expect them.

Feelings You May Experience

Fear, anxiety and panic
Anger at the person who died, at medical personnel, at yourself or others
Depression or emotional flatness, with a feeling of "Why bother" or "What's the use of trying."
Confusion and a reduced attention span
Numbness, shock and disbelief
Loneliness and isolation
Hunger for someone to really listen to your story
Pain, both physical and emotional
Guilt and regrets. Lots of "if only…"
Emptiness and a missing part of you
Relief, which in many instances provides conflict in your mind
Replaying the scene over and over in your mind
Tired body but unable to sleep

Death may happen in a moment, but feeling the emotions around that loss of a loved one will take time, lots of time.

Give Yourself Permission to Feel the Way You Feel

How and what you feel is your right as an individual. If you would benefit from a support group of others who are Bereaved, I urge you to go. It was beneficial to me and to many others I have spoken to. It feels good to be surrounded by others who may not know exactly how and what you are going through, but they will be able to identify with your pain and suffering. The support and safety to share our feelings and emotions is invaluable as we move through this process.

My thoughts and hugs are with you.

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

PS: If you are looking for a special book on poems and writings for those who are grieving, I have found one at http://www.DoNotWeep.com that I recommend. I also give this to friends who are mourning the loss of loved one, both human and animal.

Rituals, Memorials, Tributes and Funerals-Grieving Together

admin — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 12:30:06 +0000

Hello from beautiful Montana:

There are many dates which bring a national or universal remembrance. For my generation, it will always be November 22, 1963 and the date John F. Kennedy was assassinated. In the minds of Americans who were adults or near adults can remember vividly what we were doing and how we reacted when we heard the news.

For our children and our children's children the date was 911. It was an ending of an era of national confidence and a deep sadness about the losses suffered.

As a nation and a culture, we were joined in our grief and sadness. We needed a way to express our anger, confusion and mourning. We needed a way to say Goodbye to what might have been and could be no more. We needed closure to the intensity of feelings that grief brings to a person.

Funerals, Memorials, Tributes and Rituals Bring Comfort

The rituals and ceremonies surrounding Funerals and Memorials bring us together and bind us in our common grief and facilitate the release of the one who has died. When we remember the intense feelings and raw emotion of the days following either a national disaster or a personal loss, we recognize the need for joining with others to release some of the emotional toll.

The Grieving Process

Many people need a closure of a ceremony of funeral or Memorial in order to finalize the death in their minds and hearts. Some choose traditional religious services because they provide structure and familiarity. Some choose to simply have a gathering where it is much more relaxed. At these memorials, friends and family share stories and memories which bring laughter and tears.

To be helpful to those who are survivors the ritual of the funeral or Memorial ideally will have some meaning to them personally. If possible, the ceremony will involve their participation in some small way. This is a way to signify to each of us, no matter how closely we were affiliated, a chapter of life is closing.

Unexpected and Traumatic Death- What Do You Do?

admin — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 18:53:04 +0000

Even though 10% or more of reported deaths are unexpected and traumatic, you are still blindsided when it happens to those you love and care about. It is not something that one ever plans on and so are not only grieving emotionally, but have no idea on what to do in order to handle the practical aspects of death.

it is not helpful that medical and police personnel, trained to solve problems and find answers may seem very matter of fact or even uncaring. They may announce to you that you must make "arrangements" or even question you or other members of the family.

The reality is that they are usually caring individuals or they would not have been drawn to that line of work. However,in order to protect their own emotional energy, they make not take the time for personal or emotional responses to your pain.

Find an Advocate

The first thing to do is to ask for an advocate. You need someone to help you make decisions and try to understand what is happening and what you need to do. It may be a daily occurrence for them, but when it happens to your loved one, you feel as though you are the only one in the world to experience such deep emotional pain.

If you have a faith community leader, or a dear friend or family member who will support, listen and assist you, call them to come to you. If even making that phone call seems overwhelming, ask an official to contact them for you. This is not a time to be alone.

Do Not Make Major Decisions

Be very careful about jumping into decisions without someone who can be a little more rational than you are in situations of unexpected death. You do not need elaborate flower arrangements or an expensive casket, which you may be sold by unscrupulous funeral homes.

It is natural and understandable to be in shock. it is a shocking circumstance. Give yourself some time to adjust, absorb and act accordingly.

If Only..

In cases of unexpected and traumatic deaths, family and friends do not have the opportunity to say good-bye. Sudden infant death, suicide, homicide and accidents can leave everyone, but especially those who were close, feeling if only….

No matter how the death occurs, we often think somehow we could have done something more, better, more often etc. It is a vicious circle in our minds as we try to make sense of what has happened.

The reality is that we all do the best we can and bad things happen to good people all the time. It is not a judgment on them or on you. It just is.

Seek Bereavement or Grief Counseling

You may find that you need assistance in sorting out the emotions in your heart and mind. These are extreme situations and bring out extreme emotions that need to be addressed before you can go on with your life.

It is our wish that you find a safe and loving harbor to share your feelings and concerns. Unresolved grief and anger are at the root of much illness. For your own good and the good of other survivors, take care of yourself as you seek healing through your grief.

With love and empathy,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach and author
http://www.ArtichokePress.com