When Death Is Near

Archive for the ‘grieving loss of a pet’ Category

Children and Pet Loss

Sunday, July 26th, 2009

Hello from Montana,

The death of a family pet may be the most traumatic loss your children face. Young children develop very strong and deep feelings about the animals in their lives. They may think of them as siblings, companions, playmates and protectors.

Unconditional Love Between Pets and Children

A few years ago, I was writing an article on resilient children called "Be A Bounce Back KId." as part of the research I interviewed a dozen 5th grade and younger children about what they did to bounce back from a disappointment or a particularly bad time in their lives.

I was very surprised to find that the number one comfort for the kids was pets and animals. Those who had live pets in their lives or neighborhood would go to them for comfort and companionship. Those that did not have live pets, had a stuffed animal which represented comfort for them.

Many expressed the belief that the animals loved them unconditionally. It did not matter if they got a D in school or wasn't chosen for the school play. Their dog was happy to see them anyway. Laughing and playing with the pet helped them to bounce back from the bad day.

Emotional Stress On Losing a Pet

Even seemingly well adjusted adults grieve over the death of their best friend and pet. It then stands to reason, that children will have questions, concerns and worries over the death process and what happens afterward.

Parents need to be effective listeners to the questions the children may ask as well as the unspoken concerns the child may not bring up in conversation. It is wise to be ready to explain what has happened to the animal, offer information and be careful not to project our own emotional bias on the situation.

Common Concerns of Children Around the Loss of a Pet

Was it my fault for not feeding him last week?
Will he come back?
Where did he go?
Where is he right now (May want to see the body or find out where it is)
If I get sick, will you have the doctor give me a shot to make me die?
What if I go to sleep and don't wake up?
What if I forget him?
Why did God want him, he was our dog.

Adults Need to Model That it is Okay to Feel Sad

Our tendency is to try to protect small children from the harsh realities of life. However, by not acknowledging our own mourning and sadness, the child may feel less inclined to share his concerns.

children look to us for guidance in word as well as actions. If they are old enough to reason, then they can sense there is something wrong and they are being left out of the conversations about topics that concern them.

The death of a pet to children matters a great deal in their young life. How this is handled now will remain with the child for the rest of his life.

Children are Resilient, But Need Guidance

A child's ability to cope is very much dependent on the adults around him. I encourage honest and open communication as well an opportunity to share feelings, fear and concerns without judgment. This will assist them in not only dealing with the death of their pet, but other disappointments in their lives.

Good luck in this important endeavor,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: If you would like assistance in being more resilient, check out the affordable and effective eBook "Living a Balanced Life" in the on-line store at http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Tags: child and pet, child's grief over pet death, children and pet loss, comfort for child, comfort for kids, death of a pet, death of family pet, how to handle death of a pet with children, Judy H. Wright, stuffed animals for kids, traumatic loss for child, young children develop strong feelings
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Feelings and Emotions Around Loss of Loved One

Thursday, June 25th, 2009

Loss of a Loved One is Devastating Blow

You can expect a wide range of emotions when you have lost someone who had influence in your life. Don't feel like you should only expect feelings of love, for that is only one of the many emotions that come gurgling to the surface when someone you loved has died.

The labor of grieving and truly feeling the emotions surrounding the loss of a loved one is very complex and sometimes hard to understand. Many people judge others because they don't seem to be "doing it right."

No One Way to Grieve or to Feel

The only loving advice I would give you is to be gentle with yourself. Expect to feel emotions in unexpected ways. You may have the urge to anesthetize feelings and drown the hurt with food, drugs, alcohol, work or being busy all the time.

I would urge you to feel the feelings fully as they come up, because if you stuff them down, they will not go away. Indeed, they may resurface later when you least expect them.

Feelings You May Experience

Fear, anxiety and panic
Anger at the person who died, at medical personnel, at yourself or others
Depression or emotional flatness, with a feeling of "Why bother" or "What's the use of trying."
Confusion and a reduced attention span
Numbness, shock and disbelief
Loneliness and isolation
Hunger for someone to really listen to your story
Pain, both physical and emotional
Guilt and regrets. Lots of "if only…"
Emptiness and a missing part of you
Relief, which in many instances provides conflict in your mind
Replaying the scene over and over in your mind
Tired body but unable to sleep

Death may happen in a moment, but feeling the emotions around that loss of a loved one will take time, lots of time.

Give Yourself Permission to Feel the Way You Feel

How and what you feel is your right as an individual. If you would benefit from a support group of others who are Bereaved, I urge you to go. It was beneficial to me and to many others I have spoken to. It feels good to be surrounded by others who may not know exactly how and what you are going through, but they will be able to identify with your pain and suffering. The support and safety to share our feelings and emotions is invaluable as we move through this process.

My thoughts and hugs are with you.

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

PS: If you are looking for a special book on poems and writings for those who are grieving, I have found one at http://www.DoNotWeep.com that I recommend. I also give this to friends who are mourning the loss of loved one, both human and animal.

Tags: Auntie Artichoke, bereaved and sad, confusion over death, death of loved one, depression or emotional flatness, emotional pain, fear and anxiety, feelings of sadness, grief over death, Judy H. Wright, loneliness and isolation, loss of a loved one, loss of loved one, no way to grieve, panic over life, tired body but unable to sleep
Posted in balance in life, caregiving, funeral arrangements, grief and loss, grieving loss of a pet, obituary | No Comments »

When Death Brings Relief

Tuesday, June 16th, 2009

Hello from beautiful Montana:

When a friend's son who had severe mental problems committed suicide, she commented to me at the service; "well, at least I know where he is tonight."

To feel relief at the death of another is not often acknowledged or spoken about. It seems a taboo subject that not every death brings great sadness but may actually bring a sense of relief.

In attending a seminar a few year ago called Understanding Grief, Touchstones of Healing for Family, Friends and Caregivers taught by Jennifer Elison, Ed.D. I was struck by her honesty and ability to speak the unspeakable. While she taught us the patterns of grieving and expected outcomes, she also spoke of those times when death is not a loss, but a relief.

In her book Liberating Losses published by Lifelong Books, a member of the Perseus Books group, she shares not only her story, but the stories of others who have felt a sense of relief when death occurred. It is an excellent read and one that I have recommended and referred to often in doing grief work or examining my own emotions over loss.

As medical science has treatments and medications that keep people alive much longer than in the past, families may face years of care for someone who would not have chosen this existence.

Many conditions become chronic rather than acute. One surgery leads to complications and then another surgery, and then another and constant pain. No matter how much we love someone it impacts us to see them suffer physically and emotionally. We wish there were something we could do to alleviate their pain. We offer comfort, soup, extra pillows, a new video or book but it is never enough to end their suffering, except momentarily.

So then, why are we ashamed to admit that death bring relief, not only to the one who has passed into another plane of existence, but also to those exhausted souls left to pick up the pieces and move on?

How do you feel about this subject? Have you ever felt relief when someone died? Please feel free to leave a comment. This is a safe place to share your thoughts and emotions.

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke

Tags: caregivers, death and loss, examining our emotions, families face years of care, grieving process, Jennifer Elison, Judy H. Wright, Lifelong books, medical science that keep people alive, Perseus books, relief when death occurs, touchstones of healing for family, understanding grief
Posted in Current Affairs, caregiving, final gifts, grief and loss, grieving loss of a pet | No Comments »

Books Can Be Best Friends

Tuesday, June 9th, 2009

Hello from beautiful Montana:

I love this quote from Elizabeth Barrett Browning–”No man can be called friendless when he has God and the companionship of good books.”

Books do offer us information, comfort, enjoyment and friendship

There is nothing better than a book you become so involved with that the characters seem real to you. A book you can’t put down. A book that changes your life. A book that you want to share with others. A book that you feel was written just for you.

As I have worked on the book “I Lost My Best Friend Today – Healing From the Loss of a Beloved Pet” I have found many poems, personal essays, articles and other readings that have resonated with me. They came just when I needed them most.

The other day I found Mem Fox’s memoir in the free box at the library. I was ecstatic. The title of “Dear Mem Fox, I Have Read All Your Books Even The Pathetic Ones” pretty much gives you a hint of the contents. In this wonderful book written by the internationally acclaimed creator of “Possum Magic”, “Koala Lou”, and of course our families favorite childrens (and adults) read aloud book; “Wilfred Gordon McDonald Partridge“

The Universe Will Bring You The Right Book

When you need a friend or just the right words, look around and you will find a book that will be just what you need.

When going through a period of grief and loss, I found just the right words. Perhaps it will resonate with you.

Visit http://www.DoNotWeep.com This is a wonderful collection of literature dealing with loss and death. If you choose to order it, you will be glad you did. I certainly was.

(c) Judy H. Wright http://www.ArtichokePress.com You have permission to reprint this article as long as you keep the content and contact information intact. Thank You.

Tags: Artichoke Press, articles on death and grief, Books can be friends, books change lifes, do not stand at my grave and weep, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, greif and loss, grief and loss, http://www.artichokepress.com, http://www.AskAuntieArtichoke.com, http://www.deathofmypet.com, Judy helm Wright, Loala Lou, Mem Fox, memoirs, Night Noises, personal essays, Possum Magic, Wilfred Gordon McDonald Partridge
Posted in Books, final gifts, grief and loss, grieving loss of a pet | No Comments »

Talk to Children About Death

Monday, May 25th, 2009

Today is Memorial Day in the United States and an opportunity for families, friends and neighbors to get together to socialize and share food. The other order of the day is the sharing of stories of loved ones who are dead, but not forgotten.

Children who have been exposed to the concept of death as part of the life cycle are not as afraid as those whose families never spoke of it. Death and dying are not subjects that come on a daily basis, but when an opportunity arises, such a Memorial Day picnic, it is perfectly natural to include it in the conversation.

We all Suffer Loss of Some Kind

Children can see that adults enjoy telling funny stories and remembering ancestors who have died and may even shed a tear or two. It is okay to mourn the loss of loved ones and to feel save sharing those feelings with others.

So many questions about life and death don't have easy answers. The adults who are trying to give information have to do that from a point of view, their own experiences or their beliefs. You may want to reassure the child that even though no one can tell you exactly how it feels to die, since they have not yet died, they can share opinions and their own impressions.

Help young people to know that there is no such thing as a dumb question and they should feel free to ask about what they don't understand. Adults may be embarrassed or ill at ease, not because of the question, but because they may have fears and unresolved feelings.

Talk About Death Before Someone Dies

Children do have an understanding that each of us will die at some point and those left behind will be sad and lonely. The more prepared the whole family is in expressing not only feelings and emotions of sadness, but the joy and happiness that comes from being together, the easier it will be to discuss life and death.

Memorial Day or Decoration Day

The custom of decorating graves with flowers, wreaths and flags began in the Civil War. Families would gather to honor their loved ones who had been lost in war and through other deaths through the years. It continues to annually be a time for sharing memories, stories and food.

Death is a Part of Life

Most children are curious and will ask many questions if given the chance. Rather than shooing them away when they ask leading questions, use the family gathering to share deep feelings with one another. The adults are probably grateful to have a forum for discussion too.

With love and support, Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach and author

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Tags: Artichoke Press, death and children, death is not discussed, decorating graves with flowers, discuss life and death, explaining death to children, families gather to honor loved ones, feeling and emotions of sadness, Flag Day, flags in civil war, joy and happiness, Judy H. Wright, Memorial Day, sharing memories and stories
Posted in Current Affairs, Religion, balance in life, funeral arrangements, grief and loss, grieving loss of a pet | No Comments »

E.T. the Turtle-Caring for Animals is a Sacred Trust

Friday, August 1st, 2008

Good Morning from Montana:

I wanted to share another of the stories that have come to be included in the upcoming eBook on Grieving the Loss of a Pet. I am humbled by the support and sharing. Can’t wait for you to get the book. You will love it.

One time my husband Ray brought the family a surprise gift when he
returned from a business trip out of town.
An associate had a turtle that they could no longer keep and so Ray
volunteered to bring it home to our three young sons and me, all of whom are
animal lovers.

The turtle was about
8 inches long and when he extended his graceful neck, he reminded us of a movie
star, so we named him E.T.

Even though we knew a
lot about animals in general, we did not know the specifics of turtle
care. We went to a wonderful vet Dr.
Sara Stephens, who was just starting her business and had a turtle in her
office! Her turtle was 6 or 8 times the size of E.T. and very healthy. She told
us she had gotten her turtle as a small child from the dime store. It had grown from about an inch and a half to
it’s current size.

She gave us
supplements and instructions on feeding E.T. We force-fed him for a while
before Ray and I had a weeklong trip planned and was leaving the boys and pets
with a caregiver.

When we returned,
E.T. had died. I was devastated! I literally howled with grief. My remorse and
grief was much worse than with any of the other close family pets that we had
lost in the past.

I believe my sadness
was so deep because I felt that we had taken on a privilege and honor of caring
for a life. For what ever reason that life was cut short. We had made the commitment to protect this
animal and this charge should not be taken lightly.

E.T. went into the pet grave at the back of our
garden. Through the years we have buried
rabbits, cats, dogs and fish that have been loved and cared for by our family,
as well as birds and squirrels. On the top of the pet grave is a huge
Rhododendron plant that reminds us of our commitment to love and protect those
animals who have been put into our lives.

Susie Risho

Sorry I can’t figure out how to add the photos. Next time maybe.

Love, Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach and author

http://www.ArtichokePress.com Be sure and join us for the free TeleClass each Thursday.

Posted in grieving loss of a pet | No Comments »

Grieving the Loss of a Pet-Almost done

Tuesday, July 29th, 2008

Hello from beautiful Montana;

Just want to tell you that the eBook on Greiving the Loss of a Pet is almost done. Summer and life keep getting in the way of my writing time.

The submissions from animal lovers has been incredible. I will share another one here.

Tiger

Hello,

I don’t know if you would be interested
in my story or not. My cat has not died
yet but more than likely we will put him to sleep in a few days. But my cat Tiger is five years old. In
December 2007 he developed a mass on his neck that my older son found. I took him to the vet and they tried to
biopsy it but to no avail. Once it
started interfering with his eating about a two months later I took him back to
the vet and had them just remove it.
They sent it off and it came back malignant-cancer- large cell
lymphoma. If I opted to do nothing then
he had until June to live- 3 months. I
couldn’t see spending money for chemo just to extend his life for a few
months.

So, June has come and gone and he has deteriorated in
the last few days. So… I was told by
the vet (who is a good acquaintance of mine). Others acted sympathetic cause
Tiger is such a sweet cat. I had many
people tell me to go ahead and put him to sleep. My problem is I feel like if I do then I am
cutting his life short. However, he is
at the point now that I don’t think he can really go on. I plan on having him cremated. I will more
than likely buy a brick to go into a memorial garden that our vet has.

What has helped me to heal? I think just knowing he will be pain free
will give me peace enough. At this
point, he has a bad ear infection and the vet gave me antibiotics for him. His
head is tilted and cannot walk. I have to pick him up and put him in the litter
box for him to use it. He eats maybe once a day. I have watched a lively cat go
down to nothing in a couple of weeks. It
is extremely sad.

I am not happy
because we took him to the vet the day before yesterday to have him put to
sleep and the vet convinced me to give him antibiotics for his ear and see if
that helps. Good grief! He has cancer!
He won’t get better. It is hard to convince myself to shove pills down his
throat when he doesn’t want to move. I
think this is all in vain.

Thanks-

Ellen, Tiger’s Mom