We all feel like children when we are sad and lonely

Most of us, adult and child, have gone through the experience of losing a meaningful relationship. It is a loss of the special person or pet’s personality, but also the major part they played in your life.  when you love someone , or have needed their protections and friendship, bonds of attachment are formed no matter how satisfactory or unsatisfactory the relationship has been.

Who Are You Now?

When the bonds are broken you actually suffer a double loss to the heart and head. The loss of the person and also the loss of the roles you both played in the relationship. It takes time and effort to reclaim a life without the relationship and the associated circle of friends that went with it.

If you are divorced, separated or dumped by a partner you may find it easier to get in touch with your anger over the parting. There is usually some dialog that will be ongoing with a lot of if only…. and why didn’t I…?  Death of a spouse often brings guilt, numbness and a sensation of anxiety over possible financial pressures, effects on children and a wistful wishing of what might have been?

Healing From a Broken Relationship

No matter what the circumstances of the broken relationship, there is bound to be a period of grief and loss. The death of a relationship is as painful for many as the death of a person. Many grieve more at loss of a beloved pet than losing people in their lives.  The more you were dependent and attached, the larger the hole in your heart that must be  refilled. You must give yourself quality mourning time to deal with your loss.  There will probably be days when you need to weep, rehash all the circumstances, re-frame some of the memories that are not serving you right now.

Sharing with friends or a support group will help you to put your grieve into a healthy prospective and to safely be open to your emotions.

Questions to Help You Process This Article

1. Do you feel that grieve from death is deeper than from a divorce?
2. Have you ever broken up with someone? How did it feel for you?
3. When someone broke up with you, did you feel a sense of abandonment? Why?
4. Is it okay to be angry at someone who dies?
5. Is grief and loss easy to get over?

Thank you for being part of this community of kind, thoughtful people who respect one another.

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS:  You will want to connect here to find radio shows, telecasts, articles and free reports just for you.

A positive attitude and clear answers will help.

Hello from beautiful Montana:

What is death? What does Dead Mean?

These questions are some of the hardest for parents to answer, especially because most have not examined their own feelings,

emotions and believe systems around death and dying. Most of the parents I teach in parenting classes tell me that the only questions they

dread more are about sex!

How do you explain death to a child?  If you have religious beliefs that bring you comfort and you want to explain death in that concept, you still need to phrases answers so the child has an accurate understanding. Parents and caring adults need to remember that young children tend to take words and explanations literally since they have difficulty thinking in the abstract.  So when you say “God loved your dad so much, He took him to heaven” the young son may worry that God will love him that much too.  A daughter may worry that her loved was insufficient and so she is being punished.

Where Do People Go When They Die?

If you are comfortable with explaining that life is eternal and we go to heaven, then do so. My personal belief is that earth life is a part of a cycle and the spirit lives on even though the body is no longer needed.  To explain to our grand daughter, I used the analogy of the hand in a glove. It was not the glove (body) that was moving but rather the spirit (hand). The glove’s use is done for right now, but the spirit moves on to another plane of existence.

I also asked her how she felt when she knew that we were 500 miles away and she could not see us. Did she think we still loved her?  Could she feel our love even when we could not talk or communicate?  Did she feel secure that we would reunite at some point? She was relieved to know that just as seeds sleep in the ground in the winter (they have a lovely garden) they come again when the time is right.

What If Child Is Afraid

Once again it is wise to think about what you are going to say. If you tell your child that “Grandpa just went to sleep” they may be fearful of going to bed. If you have an opportunity to speak about death when it is not someone they know closely, they will be able to put death into a context they can understand. Very young children think that only old people die, unless they have personal experience and may be fearful that their parents are getting old and will die soon.

If a beloved pet dies, be sure to include the child in the decisions about burial or having a memorial ceremony.  Help them to be reassured they are safe and that you will protect them to the best of your ability.

Questions for you to ponder:

• How do you feel about death?  What does the word mean to you?
• How was death taught to you as a child? Do you remember losing a pet?
• What are your views on Heaven or an Afterlife?
• How old were you when you attended your first funeral?

This is a difficult subject for families to discuss, but it is an important part of life and the subject is best dealt with before a death occurs.  Hopefully, this will open dialog between you and your child about death and dying.

Your friend,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

PS: Please join our community at http://www.AskAuntieArtichoke.com

You will be glad you did.

Most people get very nostalgic because their minds and

Bereavement and Grief are hard work. Be clear in setting boundaries and what you need from others. give yourself time to heal from loss.

hearts are triggered by sights, sounds, smells and events.  Smelling of pine trees reminds them of the Christmas when Grandpa brought the tree. It is true that grief work is  hard work and it takes much energy, emotion and time.

Take Time To Heal

No matter when or how our loss happened, we will still remember and reflect on the person who is no longer in our physical world.  It is important to allow yourself to be human and to recognize sometimes you are too overwhelmed with sad emotions to meet the expectations of others.

When you are working through grief and it is hard work, you need to plan ahead as much as possible.  By setting boundaries and establishing limits, you will not be constantly bombarded with requests and demands.

Set Boundaries In Clear, Calm Voice

Most people (even Uncle George if told often enough) will accept a yes or no when asked to participate.  When you falter or are wishy washy with a request by saying “I will try, but I can’t promise” or “Maybe…we will see” that  causes confusion.

If you are asked to contribute a pie because you always contribute a pie, then say “This year I am spending my energy close to home. Please ask someone else to bring a pie.” Or, “I am guarding my energy this year, so I can give you money to purchase one, but don’t want the worry of making one.  Maybe next year.”

Give Yourself Gift of Self-Care

Just as you need to be clear about what you can contribute to others this year, you also need to be clear about what you need and want from them.  If you need phones calls or meeting for lunch or your sidewalk shoveled, then say so.

No one can really read minds, so be very clear and calm in asking for what you need. I remember calling a friend after the death of her husband and I said, like I have a million other times; “What can I do to help you?”  She didn’t miss a beat, but said; “I would like to have my windows washed, it would make the world seem brighter.”

While I was washing the windows, I was impressed again and again at how clear and concise her request was. She knew that people would ask to help and she knew just what would make her feel better.

Grief is hard work and takes time to heal, but the time is easier when you have companions and support along the way.

I have confidence in your ability to be find ways and means to heal yourself.

In support and love,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Support of Friends and Family

Do children, adolescents, and young people experience loss differently than adults?  Do they mourn the loss of a pet the same way they would grieve the loss of a grandparent or sibling? Do they bounce back from a significant loss as easily as the adults around them previously thought?

What is Grief, Mourning and Bereavement?

Each social scientist and author have a different vocabulary when it comes to the emotions experienced with a significant loss.  Children, adolescents and adults also have names for the emotional  roller coaster they are on.

Feelings of loss and separation are a prominent part of most grief cycle.  It is very common to experience pain, sadness, anger, bewilderment and many other far reaching emotions.

In addition to the feelings that come in a wide range of reactions and in varying degrees of intensity during grief, the child may react out physically.

It is not unusual for many bereaved persons to experience confusion, inability to focus at school or home, lack of energy and wanting to sleep more than usual.  Other physical signs may be a lump in the throat, pain in the belly, headaches, upsetting dreams, getting in fights with friends or withdrawing from friends in general.

Loss and Grief

Children, Adolescents and young people do indeed grief the loss of pets, people, places and all other losses that they will encounter in their lives.  They need support, kindness and understanding as they process what has happened and what it will mean to them in their lives.

Need Kind and Loving Adults

Everyone who has ever suffered a loss looks for ways to understand what has happened and how it will impact them. Children and Adolescents may not have the skills to ask for assistance or help.  Older people may assume the children are coping, when they actually desperately need assurance and answers.

If you are in a position to share time listening to a child or adolescent who has gone through a loss, it will be a wonderful act of service.  You will have the opportunity to reassure them about life, loss and the importance of remembering with love.

Thank you for being a part of this community of kind, thoughtful people who want to work together to raise children to be respectful and understanding of all.

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

The loss of a beloved pet and best friend is devastating. In interviewing hundreds of pet owners and sharing their stories, it is plain to see that the loss of a pet may trigger many other emotions about relationships, both animal and human.

The final days of your pet’s life may be the most difficult period of your relationship, and yet it can also be a rewarding and spirit filled time together.  The period  after the death can be very hard as you make the decision for burial or cremation of your pet.

Cremation of Animals

Most veterinarians have access to a crematorium, where the earthly body is handled with respect and burned. If you choose cremation, the casket or urn containing the ashes will be returned to you. Many people are having jewelry made out of the “cremains” of their pet.

Burial of Your Pet

It is not unusual for families and individuals to choose to bury their pet somewhere that holds significance for them.  You may need to check local ordinances, but most areas will allow you to bury a pet on land that you own.  If you do not have a suitable area for this, you may decide to purchase a burial plot at the pet cemetery.

Prices of a pet burial plot will vary, depending on size of plot, if a casket is used or a service is provided.  Many of the pet cemeteries that friends have used included the cost of a small granite marker in the price of the burial. Some have a space for a picture of the pet.

Memorial To Your Best Friend and Pet

There are many ways to memorialize in a physical manner. Of course, your memories  will always be filled with thoughts of your time together.

You can also plant a tree, donate food  or time to the local  animal shelter, have a portrait painted, write a poem, song or story about your time together.

It is your decision  when your pet dies; burial or cremation. Either way, you will always remember and be grateful for the life lessons you learned from your pet.  Owning and loving animals make us better people.

You are invited to go to http://www.deathofmypet.com the site of our latest book to share stories, photos and memorials of those who have lost a pet.  You will be glad you did.

With love,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

My friend sent me this story this morning because she knew I was collecting stories about death of pets.  This is a great story. Have your Kleenex handy.

They told me the big
> black Lab’s name was Reggie as I looked at him lying in
> his pen. The shelter was clean, no-kill, and the
> people really friendly. I’d only been in the area for
> six months, but everywhere I went in the small college town,
> people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves when
> you pass them on the street.
>
> But something was still missing as I attempted to settle in
> to my new life here, and I thought a dog couldn’t
> hurt. Give me someone to talk to. And I had just seen
> Reggie’s advertisement on the local news. The
> shelter said they had received numerous calls right after,
> but they said the people who had come down to see him just
> didn’t look like “Lab people,” whatever that
> meant. They must’ve thought I did.
>
> But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in
> giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted of a dog
> pad, bag of toys almost all of which were brand new tennis
> balls, his dishes, and a sealed letter from his previous
> owner. See, Reggie and I didn’t really hit it off
> when we got home. We struggled for two weeks (which is
> how long the shelter told me to give him to adjust to his
> new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was trying to
> adjust, too. Maybe we were too much alike.
>
> For some reason, his stuff (except for the tennis balls -
> he wouldn’t go anywhere without two stuffed in his
> mouth) got tossed in with all of my other unpacked
> boxes. I guess I didn’t really think he’d need
> all his old stuff, that I’d get him new things once he
> settled in. but it became pretty clear pretty soon
> that he wasn’t going to.
>
> I tried the normal commands the shelter told me he knew,
> ones like “sit” and “stay” and
> “come” and “heel,” and he’d follow
> them – when he felt like it. He never really seemed to
> listen when I called his name – sure, he’d look in my
> direction after the fourth of fifth time I said it, but then
> he’d just go back to doing whatever. When I’d
> ask again, you could almost see him sigh and then grudgingly
> obey.
>
> This just wasn’t going to work. He chewed a
> couple shoes and some unpacked boxes. I was a little
> too stern with him and he resented it, I could tell. The
> friction got so bad that I couldn’t wait for the two
> weeks to be up, and when it was, I was in full-on search
> mode for my cellphone amid all of my unpacked stuff. I
> remembered leaving it on the stack of boxes for the guest
> room, but I also mumbled, rather cynically, that the
> “damn dog probably hid it on me.”
>
> Finally I found it, but before I could punch up the
> shelter’s number, I also found his pad and other toys
> from the shelter.. I tossed the pad in Reggie’s
> direction and he snuffed it and wagged, some of the most
> enthusiasm I’d seen since bringing him home. But
> then I called, “Hey, Reggie, you like that? Come
> here and I’ll give you a treat.”  Instead, he
> sort of glanced in my direction – maybe “glared”
> is more accurate – and then gave a discontented sigh and
> flopped down. With his back to me.
>
> Well, that’s not going to do it either, I
> thought. And I punched the shelter phone number.
>
> But I hung up when I saw the sealed envelope. I had
> completely forgotten about that, too. “Okay,
> Reggie,”  I said out loud, “let’s see if
> your previous owner has any advice.”………
> ———————————————————————————-
>
>
>
> To Whoever Gets My Dog: Well, I can’t say that I’m
> happy you’re reading this, a letter I told the shelter
> could only be opened by Reggie’s new owner. I’m not
> even happy writing it. If you’re reading this, it
> means I just got back from my last car ride with my Lab
> after dropping him off at the shelter. He knew
> something was different.. I have packed up his pad and
> toys before and set them by the back door before a trip, but
> this time… it’s like he knew something was
> wrong. And something is wrong… which is why I have
> to go to try to make it right.
>
> So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes that it will
> help you bond with him and he with you.
>
> First, he loves tennis balls.. the more the merrier.
> Sometimes I think he’s part squirrel, the way he hordes
> them. He usually always has two in his mouth, and he
> tries to get a third in there. Hasn’t done it
> yet. Doesn’t matter where you throw them,
> he’ll bound after it, so be careful – really don’t
> do it by any roads. I made that mistake once, and it
> almost cost him dearly.
>
> Next, commands. Maybe the shelter staff already told
> you, but I’ll go over them again: Reggie knows the
> obvious ones – “sit,” “stay,”
> “come,” “heel.”  He knows hand
> signals: “back” to turn around and go back when
> you put your hand straight up; and “over” if you
> put your hand out right or left. “Shake” for
> shaking water off, and “paw” for a
> high-five. He does “down” when he feels like
> lying down – I bet you could work on that with him some
> more. He knows “ball” and “food”
> and “bone” and “treat” like nobody’s
> business.
>
> I trained Reggie with small food treats. Nothing
> opens his ears like little pieces of hot dog.
>
> Feeding schedule: twice a day, once about seven in
> the morning, and again at six in the evening. Regular
> store-bought stuff; the shelter has the brand.
>
> He’s up on his shots. Call the clinic on 9th Street and
> update his info with yours; they’ll make sure to send
> you reminders for when he’s due. Be
> forewarned: Reggie hates the vet. Good luck
> getting him in the car – I don’t know how he knows when
> it’s time to go to the vet, but he knows.
> Finally, give him some time. I’ve never been married,
> so it’s only been Reggie and me for his whole
> life. He’s gone everywhere with me, so please
> include him on your daily car rides if you can. He
> sits well in the backseat, and he doesn’t bark or
> complain. He just loves to be around people, and me
> most especially.
>
> Which means that this transition is going to be hard, with
> him going to live with someone new.
>
> And that’s why I need to share one more bit of info
> with you….
>
> His name’s not Reggie.
>
> I don’t know what made me do it, but when I dropped him
> off at the shelter, I told them his name was Reggie.
> He’s a smart dog, he’ll get used to it and will
> respond to it, of that I have no doubt. but I just
> couldn’t bear to give them his real name. For me
> to do that, it seemed so final, that handing him over to the
> shelter was as good as me admitting that I’d never see
> him again. And if I end up coming back, getting him,
> and tearing up this letter, it means everything’s
> fine. But if someone else is reading it, well… well
> it means that his new owner should know his real name.
> It’ll help you bond with him. Who knows, maybe
> you’ll even notice a change in his demeanor if he’s
> been giving you problems.
>
> His real name is
> Tank.
> Because that is what I drive.
>
> Again, if you’re reading this and you’re from the
> area, maybe my name has been on the news. I told the
> shelter that they couldn’t make “Reggie”
> available for adoption until they received word from my
> company commander. See, my parents are gone, I have no
> siblings, no one I could’ve left Tank with… and it was
> my only real request of the Army upon my deployment to Iraq,
> that they make one phone call the the shelter… in the
> “event”… to tell them that Tank could be put up
> for adoption. Luckily, my colonel is a dog guy, too,
> and he knew where my platoon was headed.. He said
> he’d do it personally. And if you’re reading
> this, then he made good on his word.
>
> Well, this letter is getting to downright depressing, even
> though, frankly, I’m just writing it for my dog. I
> couldn’t imagine if I was writing it for a wife and kids
> and family. but still, Tank has been my family for the
> last six years, almost as long as the Army has been my
> family.
>
> And now I hope and pray that you make him part of your
> family and that he will adjust and come to love you the same
> way he loved me.
>
> That unconditional love from a dog is what I took with me
> to Iraq as an inspiration to do something selfless, to
> protect innocent people from those who would do terrible
> things… and to keep those terrible people from coming over
> here. If I had to give up Tank in order to do it, I am
> glad to have done so. He was my example of service and
> of love. I hope I honored him by my service to my
> country and comrades.
>
> All right, that’s enough. I deploy this evening and
> have to drop this letter off at the shelter. I
> don’t think I’ll say another good-bye to Tank,
> though. I cried too much the first time. Maybe
> I’ll peek in on him and see if he finally got that third
> tennis ball in his mouth.
>
> Good luck with Tank. Give him a good home, and give
> him an extra kiss goodnight – every night – from me.
>
> Thank you, Paul Mallory
> ____________________________________
>
> I folded the letter and slipped it back in the
> envelope. Sure I had heard of Paul Mallory, everyone
> in town knew him, even new people like me. Local kid,
> killed in Iraq a few months ago and posthumously earning the
> Silver Star when he gave his life to save three
> buddies. Flags had been at half-mast all summer.
>
> I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my
> knees, staring at the dog.
>
> “Hey, Tank,” I said quietly.
>
> The dog’s head whipped up, his ears cocked and his eyes
> bright.
>
> “C’mere boy.”
>
> He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the
> hardwood floor. He sat in front of me, his head
> tilted, searching for the name he hadn’t heard in
> months.
>
> “Tank,” I
> whispered.
> His tail swished.
>
> I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time,
> his ears lowered, his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed
> as a wave of contentment just seemed to flood him. I
> stroked his ears, rubbed his shoulders, buried my face into
> his scruff and hugged him.
>
> “It’s me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal
> gave you to me.”  Tank reached up and licked my
> cheek. “So whatdaya say we play some ball?
> His ears perked again. “Yeah? Ball? You
> like that? Ball?”  Tank tore from my hands and
> disappeared in the next room.
>
> And when he came back, he had three tennis balls in his
> mouth.
>

The days and weeks following the death of a loved one, whether human or  a beloved animal companion, may pass in a blur.  It is human nature to want to wish away grief with disbelief. It is possible for belief and disbelief to operate in our sub conscious minds at the same time. There is a part of our mind that helps us to endure that which is unthinkable.

While we may acknowledge that a loss has occurred, we keep looking for clues or signals that our loved one is still living and will continue in our loving relationship.  This may continue for many years that you think you spot your loved one in a crowd, or you smell the special smell that belongs only to him or her.

Reactions to Bad News

Unexpected announcements of a terminal illness, untimely death or sudden emergency will bring about many inevitable questions and decisions that you are unprepared for. If you have had no warning and no time to prepare disbelief is a protection of a shattered heart.

You may very well react with statements like; “oh no, you have made a mistake. He was fine this morning.” What we really mean is “This is too much to bear at once and so I must resist the fact.”  This is the part of the grieving process and is perfectly normal.

Grief is an Emotional Weight

In addition to the weight of the loss, there is also another major reason that we tend to put off truly believing in the death of our loved one.  That reason is because by acknowledging and accepting the death of someone close to you, means that you accept that you too will die. There is a reluctance to admit your own mortality.

This may force you to face your own deep-seated fears about death and dying. In addition to the multitude of practical matters to decide, you may welcome the busyness involved so that you don’t have to deal with the spiritual issues.

Bereavement is a Shock

Loss of a loved one is first encountered as a shock to your system.  You may feel as if you are covered with cotton batting or layers of gauze. You take care of the necessary details, but almost in slow motion.

It is a blow to our lives when we lose someone and the weight of the grief will take time, thought, tears and lots of friends to get through this period in your life.

Do not be concerned if you feel numb, disbelieving or in shock.  Don’t allow anyone make you feel guilty because it seems that you are not dealing with this as they would like. This is your personal journey and one that you will take at the pace your heart and soul can handle.

Healing From the Pain Takes Time

Grief is a slow process and often takes one or two years to begin to feel “normal” again.  That does not mean that you will always hurt this badly, but you do need to give yourself permission to heal your way.

You may find comfort, sympathy and support with a group of people who have undergone similar losses.  It has helped me in the past and I am confident it will also help you to understand the feelings and emotions you are now experiencing.