Archive for the ‘grief and loss’ Category

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Pet Loss & Depression – 5 Ways to Help Ease Your Pain

Tuesday, August 18th, 2009

Are you lonely, sad and depressed from the death  or loss of your pet? These feelings of pain and anxiety are perfectly normal, but you can find peace again. Do you view your pet as a member of your family, your closest friend, and constant companion?

If you or someone you care about has pets, there will be a tremendous sense of loss when that pet dies, runs away or has to be euthanized.  Each day with our pet is special and brings joy to both the owner and the owned (sometimes it is hard to determine who owns who, do you agree?
5 Ways to Help Ease Your Pain

There is never just “one way” to heal from a traumatic blow to your life, but here are some suggestions that have worked for me and others I have counseled in grief workshops.  I know this because not only have I had a number of deaths of family members and beloved pets, but have volunteered with Hospice and done much research in the grieving process.

  • Don’t let others tell you how you should feel or minimize your feelings to make others more comfortable.
  • Write about your feelings, either in a journal or a poem.
  • Prepare a memorial and tribute for your friend, perhaps plant a flower or tree in memory of your bereaved.
  • Find a support group in your area, or on-line
  • Give yourself time. You have received a deep blow to your heart and need some time to heal.

Do You Feel Like You Just Lost Your Closest and Most Loyal Friend

Your pain over the loss of your pet is very real, but it is my hope that these suggestions will help ease your heart ache.
I know that pets are mare than just animals..They are our closest friends, constant companions and integral parts of our family.  They model unconditional love and teach us to be better people for having known them

Ask For Help If You Need It To Heal

If you think the pain, depression and sadness that you are experiencing are simply obstacles that you must suffer through, you are mistaken.  You do not have to do this by yourself. There are others who understand your pain.

Let’s be honest, nobody wants to spend their time grieving, sad and alone.  But we all must go through it at some point during our life.  The thing is, there ARE ways to go through the grief process that help us heal and also allow us to honor and preserve the memory of those we lost while also contributing to our own strength and well-being.

If you are interested in gaining more support from others who have experienced what you have, please go to http://www.deathofmypet.com for a wonderful collection of stories, poems, photos and suggestions on dealing with the loss of a pet.
My heart goes out to you,
Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke

Posted in balance in life, caregiving, final gifts, funeral arrangements, grief and loss, grieving loss of a pet | 1 Comment »

Help Children Deal With Pet Loss

Monday, July 27th, 2009

Hello from beautiful Montana:

How do you help your children deal with the loss of a Pet?

Most young children are more curious than sad when a pet disappears.  However, it is a major turning point in their development when they see how adults deal with the loss of a pet. Remember, they are looking to you to see how to develop values, ethics and standards of behavior.

You will find most very young children ask questions to try to put the death experience in a framework they can understand and process. Under the age of six, they tend to be very self centered and assume that they may have been responsible in some way for the disappearance.

Here are some specific ways to help the different ages and stages of children deal with the loss of a pet.

Under  6 years of age

Children this young may not have had enough life experiences to truly understand what death, dying or long term illness may mean.  They will sense your emotions and may be confused unless you explain why you are sad about the family dog being ill and the loss you will feel when he dies.

Be especially reassuring that you are not upset with them or anything they did as you maintain your normal schedule and feel your own grief.

Young children will welcome a new pet and easily connect with it.

Children age 7 to 11 years old

This age group of tweens knows and understands that death is permanent. This may bring up some fears and feelings of what if a parent should become ill and die.

Young people, most do not like to be called children any more, are much more interested in the details and the morbid aspects of the death.  This is normal and their questions need to be answered in an accepting way.

If they do not have an avenue for sharing feelings, emotions and questions about the pet loss, they may have trouble sleeping, eating or begin wetting the bed again.

Sometimes the pet loss triggers other disappointments and losses in life, and the child may become withdrawn while trying to figure it all out. Or, he or she may become aggressive, argumentative and antisocial in a veiled attempt to gain attention and comfort.

Young Adults Who Lose a Pet

The loss of a pet to this age group can be particularly hard.  The Pet may have been a source of unconditional love and companionship during childhood. Many young people look at their pet as an anchor of childhood; always loving, forgiving and loyal.

Peer acceptance of expressing feelings can make the transition easier.  If the friends downplay the sorrow, the adolescent may bury the hurt feelings and questions in his heart, and not feel safe sharing them.

Remember this is the time in life when young adults are trying to find their own true feelings and discover who and what they are as individuals.  They may want your understanding, guidance and reassurance, but may use conflict to deflect the opportunities to share.

In our family, we have found the best conversations take place late at night, when the lights are dim and there is pizza to share.  Teens and young adults open up their sore places in their hearts when you aren't eye-ball to eye-ball and busy with a million other things.

I encourage you to take the time in a relaxed setting to connect with your children about how to deal with the loss of their pet.  How this is handled now, will remain with them for the rest of their life and will have an influence on how they approach death of other loved ones later in life.

Good Luck, You do an Important Work,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: If you feel that your life is out of balance right now, you will benefit from an affordable and effective eBook at http://artichokepress.com/products/ebooks/ballance.htm

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Funerals and Memorials-Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep

Friday, June 26th, 2009

Hello from Montana:

It seems there have been a lot of deaths of important people in the news lately, Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawsett, Ed McMahan and others. We feel sadness for their families and friends However, the most important funeral, memorial and grave is the one of your own loved one.  If you have recently lost a friend, family member or close associate, I extend my deepest sympathy to you.

When I have been asked to speak at funerals and memorials, I often refer to this favorite poem. Perhaps it will bring you comfort or give you words to match your thoughts. It is often easier to use another person's words because they express what you want to say.

Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn's rain.

Do not stand at my grave and mourn.
I am the dew-flecked grass at dawn.
Where tranquil oceans meet the land
I am the footprints in the sand
To guide you through the weary day.
I am still here; I'll always stay.

When you wake up to morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there; I did not die.

Original attributed to Mary Elizabeth Frye (1905-2004)
Middle verse added by Lucie Storrs (1967-    )

It is a wonderful honor to be asked to share a eulogy of a loved one who has died. It is also very frightening to try to find the words and expressions which will bring comfort to the bereaved.
You can do it , I believe in you.

Would you like additional poems to comfort the grieving? Visit http://www.DoNotWeep.com  This is a wonderful collection of literature dealing with loss and death. If you choose to order it, you will be glad you did. I certainly was.

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker
http://www.ArtichokePress.com

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Feelings and Emotions Around Loss of Loved One

Thursday, June 25th, 2009

Loss of a Loved One is Devastating Blow

You can expect a wide range of emotions when you have lost someone who had influence in your life.  Don't feel like you should only expect feelings of love, for that is only one of the many emotions that come gurgling to the surface when someone you loved has died.

The labor of grieving and truly feeling the emotions surrounding the loss of a loved one is very complex and sometimes hard to understand. Many people judge others because they don't seem to be "doing it right."

No One Way to Grieve or to Feel

The only loving advice I would give you is to be gentle with yourself. Expect to feel emotions in unexpected ways. You may have the urge to anesthetize feelings and drown the hurt with food, drugs, alcohol, work or being busy all the time. 

I would urge you to feel the feelings fully as they come up, because if you stuff them down, they will not go away. Indeed, they may resurface later when you least expect them.

Feelings You May Experience

  • Fear, anxiety and panic
  • Anger at the person who died, at medical personnel, at yourself or others  
  • Depression or emotional flatness, with  a feeling of "Why bother" or "What's the use of trying." 
  • Confusion and a reduced attention span  
  • Numbness, shock and disbelief 
  • Loneliness and isolation  
  • Hunger for someone to really listen to your story
  • Pain, both physical and emotional  
  • Guilt and regrets. Lots of "if only…" 
  • Emptiness and a missing part of you  
  • Relief, which in many instances provides conflict in your mind 
  • Replaying the scene over and over in your mind  
  • Tired body but unable to sleep      

Death may happen in a moment, but feeling the emotions around that loss of a loved one will take time, lots of time.

Give Yourself Permission to Feel the Way You Feel 

How and what you feel is your right as an individual. If you would benefit from a support group of others who are Bereaved, I urge you to go. It was beneficial to me and to many others I have spoken to. It feels good to be surrounded by others who may not know exactly how and what you are going through, but they will be able to identify with your pain and suffering. The support and safety to share our feelings and emotions is invaluable as we move through this process.

My thoughts and hugs are with you.

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: If you are looking for a special book on poems and writings for those who are grieving, I have found one at http://www.DoNotWeep.com  that I recommend. I also give this to friends who are mourning the loss of loved one, both human and animal.

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When Death Brings Relief

Tuesday, June 16th, 2009

Hello from beautiful Montana:

When a friend's son who had severe mental problems committed suicide, she commented to me at the service; "well, at least I know where he is tonight."

To feel relief at the death of another is not often acknowledged or spoken about. It seems a taboo subject that not every death brings great sadness but may actually bring a sense of relief.

In attending a seminar a few year ago called Understanding Grief, Touchstones of Healing for Family, Friends and Caregivers taught by Jennifer Elison, Ed.D. I was struck by her honesty and ability to speak the unspeakable. While she taught us the patterns of grieving and expected outcomes, she also spoke of those times when death is not a loss, but a relief.

In her book Liberating Losses  published by Lifelong Books, a member of the Perseus Books group, she shares not only her story, but the stories of others who have felt a sense of relief when death occurred. It is an excellent read and one that I have recommended and referred to often in doing grief work or examining my own emotions over loss.

As medical science has treatments and medications that keep people alive much longer than in the past, families may face years of care for someone who would not have chosen this existence.

Many conditions become chronic rather than acute. One surgery leads to complications and then another surgery, and then another and constant pain. No matter how much we love someone it impacts us to see them suffer physically and emotionally. We wish there were something we could do to alleviate their pain. We offer comfort, soup, extra pillows, a new video or book but it is never enough to end their suffering, except momentarily.

So then, why are we ashamed to admit that death bring relief, not only to the one who has passed into another plane of existence, but also to those exhausted souls left to pick up the pieces and move on?

How do you feel about this subject? Have you ever felt relief when someone died? Please feel free to leave a comment. This is a safe place to share your thoughts and emotions.

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke

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Posted in Current Affairs, caregiving, final gifts, grief and loss, grieving loss of a pet | 1 Comment »

Rituals, Memorials, Tributes and Funerals-Grieving Together

Friday, June 12th, 2009

Hello from beautiful Montana:

There are many dates which bring a national or universal remembrance. For my generation, it will always be November 22, 1963 and the date John F. Kennedy was assassinated.  In the minds of Americans who were adults or near adults can remember vividly what we were doing and how we reacted when we heard the news.

For our children and our children's children the date was 911. It was an ending of an era of national confidence and a deep sadness about the losses suffered.

As a nation and a culture, we were joined in our grief and sadness.  We needed a way to express our anger, confusion and mourning. We needed a way to say Goodbye to what might have been and could be no more.  We needed closure to the intensity of feelings that grief brings to a person.

Funerals, Memorials, Tributes and Rituals Bring Comfort

The rituals and ceremonies surrounding Funerals and Memorials bring us together and bind us in our common grief and facilitate the release of the one who has died.  When we remember the intense feelings and raw emotion of the days following either a national disaster or a personal loss, we recognize the need for joining with others to release some of the emotional toll.

The Grieving Process

Many  people need a closure of a ceremony of funeral or Memorial in order to finalize the death in their minds and hearts. Some choose traditional religious services because they  provide structure and familiarity. Some choose to simply have a gathering where it is much more relaxed. At these memorials, friends and family share stories and memories which bring laughter and tears.

To be helpful to those who are survivors the ritual of the funeral or Memorial ideally will have some meaning to them personally. If possible, the ceremony will involve their participation in some small way.  This is a way to signify to each of us, no matter how closely we were affiliated, a chapter of life  is closing.

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Books Can Be Best Friends

Tuesday, June 9th, 2009

Hello from beautiful Montana:

I love this quote from Elizabeth Barrett Browning–”No man can be called friendless when he has God and the companionship of good books.”
Books do offer us information, comfort, enjoyment and friendship
There is nothing better than a book you become so involved with that the characters seem real to you.  A book you can’t put down. A book that changes your life. A book that you want to share with others. A book that you feel was written just for you.
As I have worked on the book “I Lost My Best Friend Today – Healing From the Loss of a Beloved Pet” I have found many poems, personal essays, articles and other readings that have resonated with me. They came just when I needed them most.
The other day I found Mem Fox’s memoir in the free box at the library. I was ecstatic. The title of “Dear Mem Fox, I Have Read All Your Books Even The Pathetic Ones” pretty much gives you a hint of the contents.  In this wonderful book written by the internationally acclaimed creator of “Possum Magic”, “Koala Lou”, and of course our families favorite childrens (and adults) read aloud book; “Wilfred Gordon McDonald Partridge“
The Universe Will Bring You The Right Book
When you need a friend or just the right words, look around and you will find a book that will be just what you need.
When going through a period of grief and loss, I found just the right words. Perhaps it will resonate with you.

Visit http://www.DoNotWeep.com This is a wonderful collection of literature dealing with loss and death. If you choose to order it, you will be glad you did. I certainly was.

(c) Judy H. Wright http://www.ArtichokePress.com You have permission to reprint this article as long as you keep the content and contact information intact. Thank You.

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Assesment of Needs-Developing a Care Plan

Saturday, May 30th, 2009

Hello dear friends throughout the world.

When people are suddenly disabled, hospitalized or entering a care facility, they are often subjected to something called an assessment.  The care providers make a list of what the patient can and cannot do, have or eat/ This group of "professionals" frequently meet around a conference room table piled high with manila folders and sticky notes. Lots of coffee and donuts because making these decisions require stamina to run through the "cases" and make decisions about what will make life easier, hopefully for the patient and certainly for the staff.

Who Is In Charge Of My Life

If I sound a little cynical about others making judgment  or assessments about a patient without input from the patient, it is because I am. I was sitting in my mother's end of life room visiting when the director stopped by to tell us that they had done an assessment and this would be the plan of care from now on.

I was livid that our input was not asked for nor included in how my mother would be allowed to spend the rest of her life. I was her advocate, daughter and fairly smart woman but was not invited to the conference room to hear the discussion. Nor was I asked by them for my opinion on what things she could do and had done in the past.

Asses Strengths not Weakness

What a difference it would have made had the director, social worker, nurse or advocate ask Mom what she wanted. The most ridiculous thing "the professionals" decided was that if she played cards daily it would strengthen her hands. Mom hated playing cards and had no patience for board games, and had for the last 91 years.  She would have cared for the green plants or done hand exercises with me, not "some 12 year old kid who won't be here tomorrow" as she called the constant flux of CNA's.

Empower Yourself and Loved One to Make Decisions

By focusing on what you can and want to do, you communicate to others, that you are in control of your life.  Help your loved one make a list of inner resources, likes and dislikes and areas of strengths.  The more choices any of us have in life and approaching death, the less stress we have.

Certainly there are activities that are no longer possible, but if the interest is there, perhaps the patient can adapt or find a way to still maintain some control over choices about their care.

Good Luck, You do an Important Work in Bringing Dignity and Choice 

With Love,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

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Talk to Children About Death

Monday, May 25th, 2009

Today is Memorial Day in the United States and an opportunity for families, friends and neighbors to get together to socialize and share food.  The other order of the day is the sharing of stories of loved ones who are dead, but not forgotten.

Children who have been exposed to the concept of death as part of the life cycle are not as afraid as those whose families never spoke of it.  Death and dying are not subjects that come on a daily basis, but when an opportunity arises, such a Memorial Day picnic, it is perfectly natural to include it in the conversation.

We all Suffer Loss of Some Kind

Children can see that adults enjoy telling funny stories and remembering ancestors who have died and may even shed a tear or two.  It is okay to mourn the loss of loved ones and to  feel save sharing those feelings with others.

So many questions about life and death don't have easy answers. The adults who are trying to give information have to do that from a point of view, their own experiences or their beliefs.  You may want to reassure the child that even though no one can tell you exactly how it feels to die, since they have not yet died, they can share opinions and their own impressions.

Help young people to know that there is no such thing as a dumb question and they should feel free to ask about what they don't understand.  Adults may be embarrassed or ill at ease, not because of the question, but because they may have fears and unresolved feelings.

Talk About Death Before Someone Dies

Children do have an understanding that each of us will die at some point and those left behind will be sad and lonely.  The more prepared the whole family is in expressing not only feelings and emotions of sadness, but the joy and happiness that comes from being together, the easier it will be to discuss life and death.

Memorial Day or Decoration Day

The custom of decorating graves with flowers, wreaths and flags began in the Civil War. Families would gather to honor their loved ones who had been lost in war and through other deaths through the years.  It continues to annually be a time for sharing memories, stories and food.

Death is a Part of Life

Most children are curious and will ask many questions if given the chance.  Rather than shooing them away when they ask leading questions, use the family gathering to share deep feelings with one another.  The adults are probably grateful to have a forum for discussion too.

With love and support, Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach and author
 

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Caregiver Can Write Life Review

Friday, May 15th, 2009

Hello from
beautiful

Montana

:

 

People what
are nearing end of life have a deep desire to know their live has had meaning
and they have not lived in vain.  The greatest gift one can bestow on humanity
is to teach and share wisdom. This is a way to insure that while your body may
leave this earth, your words will linger.

 

Caregivers,family,
medical personnel and social support staff have an opportunity to help the ill
person to do a short life review. As a member of the Montana StoryKeepers, we
have done a number of end-of-life stories and have found great satisfaction and
joy from the storyteller as well as others.

 

Keep
It Short

 

It is a big
job to write a memoir or autobiography and may seem overwhelming to caregiver
and patient. So, make it clear that you just want to gather "little life
lessons" which will then be passed to others.

 

Ask
Very Specific Questions

 

1.   
Do you
remember your first day of school? How did you get there? What were you wearing?
Were your parents glad to see you go to school?

2.   
What is
your favorite breakfast?  How do you like your eggs cooked? 

3.   
 What was
the worst job you ever had? What did
you learn there?  

 

Ask
Open Ended Questions

 

This type
of question allows the person to reflect on past life and give advice for the
future. You offer incomplete sentences and allow the patient to complete
them.

 

1.   
The best
way to be a family is to_________________________________

2.   
In life I
feel people need to cherish
_______________________________  
 

  3.The one
thing I want people to remember about me is_____________________

 

 Remember to End on a
Happy Note                                                    
                                                                               
                                 Because you have taken the mind on a trip to the
past, there may be some sad or painful memories that have floated to the top.
 While this may be important for the patient to sort out, you don't want him or
her to dwell on unpleasant things.  Be sure that no matter how the conversation
went, bring them back to the present by making simple statements such as;   

 

1.You have
shared some great memories today, but I am ready for lunch. What sounds good to
you? 

2.   What are
you going to do for the rest of the day?  

3.   
what are you
looking forward to doing today?

 

Thanks for
being a caregiver and support system to those who need you. This will be some of
the most important work you will ever do.

Judy
H. Wright
aka
Auntie
Artichoke

Author, Parent Educator,International
Speaker/Trainer

 

For media contacts:  406-549-9813

 

Full listing of books & classes at www.ArtichokePress.com

 

Check out www.UseEncouragingWords.com  for
a FREE
eBook!!

 

Share your comments and suggestions at the
blogs:

Ask Auntie
Artichoke and
When Death Is
Near

 

Are you attracting an abundant life? Abundant Living
Legacy

 

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