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Grief Work is Hard Work – Take Time To Heal

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

Hello from Montana:

Most people get very nostalgic because their minds and

Bereavement and Grief are hard work. Be clear in setting boundaries and what you need from others. give yourself time to heal from loss.

Bereavement and Grief are hard work. Be clear in setting boundaries and what you need from others. give yourself time to heal from loss.

hearts are triggered by sights, sounds, smells and events.  Smelling of pine trees reminds them of the Christmas when Grandpa brought the tree. It is true that grief work is  hard work and it takes much energy, emotion and time.

Take Time To Heal

No matter when or how our loss happened, we will still remember and reflect on the person who is no longer in our physical world.  It is important to allow yourself to be human and to recognize sometimes you are too overwhelmed with sad emotions to meet the expectations of others.

When you are working through grief and it is hard work, you need to plan ahead as much as possible.  By setting boundaries and establishing limits, you will not be constantly bombarded with requests and demands.

Set Boundaries In Clear, Calm Voice

Most people (even Uncle George if told often enough) will accept a yes or no when asked to participate.  When you falter or are wishy washy with a request by saying “I will try, but I can’t promise” or “Maybe…we will see” that  causes confusion.

If you are asked to contribute a pie because you always contribute a pie, then say “This year I am spending my energy close to home. Please ask someone else to bring a pie.” Or, “I am guarding my energy this year, so I can give you money to purchase one, but don’t want the worry of making one.  Maybe next year.”

Give Yourself Gift of Self-Care

Just as you need to be clear about what you can contribute to others this year, you also need to be clear about what you need and want from them.  If you need phones calls or meeting for lunch or your sidewalk shoveled, then say so.

No one can really read minds, so be very clear and calm in asking for what you need. I remember calling a friend after the death of her husband and I said, like I have a million other times; “What can I do to help you?”  She didn’t miss a beat, but said; “I would like to have my windows washed, it would make the world seem brighter.”

While I was washing the windows, I was impressed again and again at how clear and concise her request was. She knew that people would ask to help and she knew just what would make her feel better.

Grief is hard work and takes time to heal, but the time is easier when you have companions and support along the way.

I have confidence in your ability to be find ways and means to heal yourself.

In support and love,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

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Help Children Deal With Pet Loss

Monday, July 27th, 2009

Hello from beautiful Montana:

How do you help your children deal with the loss of a Pet?

Most young children are more curious than sad when a pet disappears.  However, it is a major turning point in their development when they see how adults deal with the loss of a pet. Remember, they are looking to you to see how to develop values, ethics and standards of behavior.

You will find most very young children ask questions to try to put the death experience in a framework they can understand and process. Under the age of six, they tend to be very self centered and assume that they may have been responsible in some way for the disappearance.

Here are some specific ways to help the different ages and stages of children deal with the loss of a pet.

Under  6 years of age

Children this young may not have had enough life experiences to truly understand what death, dying or long term illness may mean.  They will sense your emotions and may be confused unless you explain why you are sad about the family dog being ill and the loss you will feel when he dies.

Be especially reassuring that you are not upset with them or anything they did as you maintain your normal schedule and feel your own grief.

Young children will welcome a new pet and easily connect with it.

Children age 7 to 11 years old

This age group of tweens knows and understands that death is permanent. This may bring up some fears and feelings of what if a parent should become ill and die.

Young people, most do not like to be called children any more, are much more interested in the details and the morbid aspects of the death.  This is normal and their questions need to be answered in an accepting way.

If they do not have an avenue for sharing feelings, emotions and questions about the pet loss, they may have trouble sleeping, eating or begin wetting the bed again.

Sometimes the pet loss triggers other disappointments and losses in life, and the child may become withdrawn while trying to figure it all out. Or, he or she may become aggressive, argumentative and antisocial in a veiled attempt to gain attention and comfort.

Young Adults Who Lose a Pet

The loss of a pet to this age group can be particularly hard.  The Pet may have been a source of unconditional love and companionship during childhood. Many young people look at their pet as an anchor of childhood; always loving, forgiving and loyal.

Peer acceptance of expressing feelings can make the transition easier.  If the friends downplay the sorrow, the adolescent may bury the hurt feelings and questions in his heart, and not feel safe sharing them.

Remember this is the time in life when young adults are trying to find their own true feelings and discover who and what they are as individuals.  They may want your understanding, guidance and reassurance, but may use conflict to deflect the opportunities to share.

In our family, we have found the best conversations take place late at night, when the lights are dim and there is pizza to share.  Teens and young adults open up their sore places in their hearts when you aren't eye-ball to eye-ball and busy with a million other things.

I encourage you to take the time in a relaxed setting to connect with your children about how to deal with the loss of their pet.  How this is handled now, will remain with them for the rest of their life and will have an influence on how they approach death of other loved ones later in life.

Good Luck, You do an Important Work,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: If you feel that your life is out of balance right now, you will benefit from an affordable and effective eBook at http://artichokepress.com/products/ebooks/ballance.htm

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Children and Pet Loss

Sunday, July 26th, 2009

Hello from Montana,

The death of a family pet may be the most traumatic loss your children face.  Young children develop very strong and deep feelings about the animals in their lives.  They may think of them as siblings, companions, playmates and protectors.

Unconditional Love Between Pets and Children

A few years ago, I was writing an article on resilient children called "Be A Bounce Back KId."  as part of the research I interviewed a dozen 5th grade and younger children about what they did to bounce back from a disappointment or a particularly bad time in their lives.

I was very surprised to find that the number one comfort for the kids was pets and animals. Those who had live pets in their lives or neighborhood would go to them for comfort and companionship.  Those that did not have live pets, had a stuffed animal which represented comfort for them.

Many expressed the belief that the animals loved them unconditionally.  It did not matter if they got a D in school or wasn't chosen for the school play.  Their dog was happy to see them anyway. Laughing and playing with the pet helped them to bounce back from the bad day.

Emotional Stress On Losing a Pet

Even seemingly well adjusted adults grieve over the death of their best friend and pet. It then stands to reason, that children will have questions, concerns and worries over the death process and what happens afterward.

Parents need to be effective listeners to the questions the children may ask as well as the unspoken concerns the child may not bring up in conversation. It is wise to be ready to explain what has happened to the animal, offer information and be careful not to project our own emotional bias on the situation.

Common Concerns of Children Around the Loss of a Pet

  • Was it my fault for not feeding him last week?
  • Will he come back? 
  • Where did he go? 
  • Where is he right now (May want to see the body or find out where it is) 
  • If I get sick, will you have the doctor give me a shot to make me die?  
  • What if I go to sleep and don't wake up? 
  • What if I forget him?   
  • Why did God want him, he was our dog. 
 
Adults Need to Model That it is Okay to Feel Sad

Our tendency is to try to protect small children from the harsh realities of life.  However, by not acknowledging our own mourning and sadness, the child may feel less inclined to share his concerns. 

children look to us for guidance in word as well as actions.  If they are old enough to reason, then they can sense there is something wrong and they are being left out of the conversations about topics that concern them.

The death of a pet to children matters a great deal in their young life.  How this is handled now will remain with the child for the rest of his life.

Children are Resilient, But Need Guidance

A child's ability to cope is very much dependent on the adults around him. I encourage honest and open communication as well an opportunity to share feelings, fear and concerns without judgment. This will assist them in not only dealing with the death of their pet, but other disappointments in their lives.

Good luck in this important endeavor,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

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Funerals and Memorials-Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep

Friday, June 26th, 2009

Hello from Montana:

It seems there have been a lot of deaths of important people in the news lately, Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawsett, Ed McMahan and others. We feel sadness for their families and friends However, the most important funeral, memorial and grave is the one of your own loved one.  If you have recently lost a friend, family member or close associate, I extend my deepest sympathy to you.

When I have been asked to speak at funerals and memorials, I often refer to this favorite poem. Perhaps it will bring you comfort or give you words to match your thoughts. It is often easier to use another person's words because they express what you want to say.

Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn's rain.

Do not stand at my grave and mourn.
I am the dew-flecked grass at dawn.
Where tranquil oceans meet the land
I am the footprints in the sand
To guide you through the weary day.
I am still here; I'll always stay.

When you wake up to morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there; I did not die.

Original attributed to Mary Elizabeth Frye (1905-2004)
Middle verse added by Lucie Storrs (1967-    )

It is a wonderful honor to be asked to share a eulogy of a loved one who has died. It is also very frightening to try to find the words and expressions which will bring comfort to the bereaved.
You can do it , I believe in you.

Would you like additional poems to comfort the grieving? Visit http://www.DoNotWeep.com  This is a wonderful collection of literature dealing with loss and death. If you choose to order it, you will be glad you did. I certainly was.

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker
http://www.ArtichokePress.com

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When Death Brings Relief

Tuesday, June 16th, 2009

Hello from beautiful Montana:

When a friend's son who had severe mental problems committed suicide, she commented to me at the service; "well, at least I know where he is tonight."

To feel relief at the death of another is not often acknowledged or spoken about. It seems a taboo subject that not every death brings great sadness but may actually bring a sense of relief.

In attending a seminar a few year ago called Understanding Grief, Touchstones of Healing for Family, Friends and Caregivers taught by Jennifer Elison, Ed.D. I was struck by her honesty and ability to speak the unspeakable. While she taught us the patterns of grieving and expected outcomes, she also spoke of those times when death is not a loss, but a relief.

In her book Liberating Losses  published by Lifelong Books, a member of the Perseus Books group, she shares not only her story, but the stories of others who have felt a sense of relief when death occurred. It is an excellent read and one that I have recommended and referred to often in doing grief work or examining my own emotions over loss.

As medical science has treatments and medications that keep people alive much longer than in the past, families may face years of care for someone who would not have chosen this existence.

Many conditions become chronic rather than acute. One surgery leads to complications and then another surgery, and then another and constant pain. No matter how much we love someone it impacts us to see them suffer physically and emotionally. We wish there were something we could do to alleviate their pain. We offer comfort, soup, extra pillows, a new video or book but it is never enough to end their suffering, except momentarily.

So then, why are we ashamed to admit that death bring relief, not only to the one who has passed into another plane of existence, but also to those exhausted souls left to pick up the pieces and move on?

How do you feel about this subject? Have you ever felt relief when someone died? Please feel free to leave a comment. This is a safe place to share your thoughts and emotions.

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke

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Rituals, Memorials, Tributes and Funerals-Grieving Together

Friday, June 12th, 2009

Hello from beautiful Montana:

There are many dates which bring a national or universal remembrance. For my generation, it will always be November 22, 1963 and the date John F. Kennedy was assassinated.  In the minds of Americans who were adults or near adults can remember vividly what we were doing and how we reacted when we heard the news.

For our children and our children's children the date was 911. It was an ending of an era of national confidence and a deep sadness about the losses suffered.

As a nation and a culture, we were joined in our grief and sadness.  We needed a way to express our anger, confusion and mourning. We needed a way to say Goodbye to what might have been and could be no more.  We needed closure to the intensity of feelings that grief brings to a person.

Funerals, Memorials, Tributes and Rituals Bring Comfort

The rituals and ceremonies surrounding Funerals and Memorials bring us together and bind us in our common grief and facilitate the release of the one who has died.  When we remember the intense feelings and raw emotion of the days following either a national disaster or a personal loss, we recognize the need for joining with others to release some of the emotional toll.

The Grieving Process

Many  people need a closure of a ceremony of funeral or Memorial in order to finalize the death in their minds and hearts. Some choose traditional religious services because they  provide structure and familiarity. Some choose to simply have a gathering where it is much more relaxed. At these memorials, friends and family share stories and memories which bring laughter and tears.

To be helpful to those who are survivors the ritual of the funeral or Memorial ideally will have some meaning to them personally. If possible, the ceremony will involve their participation in some small way.  This is a way to signify to each of us, no matter how closely we were affiliated, a chapter of life  is closing.

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Assesment of Needs-Developing a Care Plan

Saturday, May 30th, 2009

Hello dear friends throughout the world.

When people are suddenly disabled, hospitalized or entering a care facility, they are often subjected to something called an assessment.  The care providers make a list of what the patient can and cannot do, have or eat/ This group of "professionals" frequently meet around a conference room table piled high with manila folders and sticky notes. Lots of coffee and donuts because making these decisions require stamina to run through the "cases" and make decisions about what will make life easier, hopefully for the patient and certainly for the staff.

Who Is In Charge Of My Life

If I sound a little cynical about others making judgment  or assessments about a patient without input from the patient, it is because I am. I was sitting in my mother's end of life room visiting when the director stopped by to tell us that they had done an assessment and this would be the plan of care from now on.

I was livid that our input was not asked for nor included in how my mother would be allowed to spend the rest of her life. I was her advocate, daughter and fairly smart woman but was not invited to the conference room to hear the discussion. Nor was I asked by them for my opinion on what things she could do and had done in the past.

Asses Strengths not Weakness

What a difference it would have made had the director, social worker, nurse or advocate ask Mom what she wanted. The most ridiculous thing "the professionals" decided was that if she played cards daily it would strengthen her hands. Mom hated playing cards and had no patience for board games, and had for the last 91 years.  She would have cared for the green plants or done hand exercises with me, not "some 12 year old kid who won't be here tomorrow" as she called the constant flux of CNA's.

Empower Yourself and Loved One to Make Decisions

By focusing on what you can and want to do, you communicate to others, that you are in control of your life.  Help your loved one make a list of inner resources, likes and dislikes and areas of strengths.  The more choices any of us have in life and approaching death, the less stress we have.

Certainly there are activities that are no longer possible, but if the interest is there, perhaps the patient can adapt or find a way to still maintain some control over choices about their care.

Good Luck, You do an Important Work in Bringing Dignity and Choice 

With Love,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

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Talk to Children About Death

Monday, May 25th, 2009

Today is Memorial Day in the United States and an opportunity for families, friends and neighbors to get together to socialize and share food.  The other order of the day is the sharing of stories of loved ones who are dead, but not forgotten.

Children who have been exposed to the concept of death as part of the life cycle are not as afraid as those whose families never spoke of it.  Death and dying are not subjects that come on a daily basis, but when an opportunity arises, such a Memorial Day picnic, it is perfectly natural to include it in the conversation.

We all Suffer Loss of Some Kind

Children can see that adults enjoy telling funny stories and remembering ancestors who have died and may even shed a tear or two.  It is okay to mourn the loss of loved ones and to  feel save sharing those feelings with others.

So many questions about life and death don't have easy answers. The adults who are trying to give information have to do that from a point of view, their own experiences or their beliefs.  You may want to reassure the child that even though no one can tell you exactly how it feels to die, since they have not yet died, they can share opinions and their own impressions.

Help young people to know that there is no such thing as a dumb question and they should feel free to ask about what they don't understand.  Adults may be embarrassed or ill at ease, not because of the question, but because they may have fears and unresolved feelings.

Talk About Death Before Someone Dies

Children do have an understanding that each of us will die at some point and those left behind will be sad and lonely.  The more prepared the whole family is in expressing not only feelings and emotions of sadness, but the joy and happiness that comes from being together, the easier it will be to discuss life and death.

Memorial Day or Decoration Day

The custom of decorating graves with flowers, wreaths and flags began in the Civil War. Families would gather to honor their loved ones who had been lost in war and through other deaths through the years.  It continues to annually be a time for sharing memories, stories and food.

Death is a Part of Life

Most children are curious and will ask many questions if given the chance.  Rather than shooing them away when they ask leading questions, use the family gathering to share deep feelings with one another.  The adults are probably grateful to have a forum for discussion too.

With love and support, Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach and author
 

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Caregiver Can Write Life Review

Friday, May 15th, 2009

Hello from
beautiful

Montana

:

 

People what
are nearing end of life have a deep desire to know their live has had meaning
and they have not lived in vain.  The greatest gift one can bestow on humanity
is to teach and share wisdom. This is a way to insure that while your body may
leave this earth, your words will linger.

 

Caregivers,family,
medical personnel and social support staff have an opportunity to help the ill
person to do a short life review. As a member of the Montana StoryKeepers, we
have done a number of end-of-life stories and have found great satisfaction and
joy from the storyteller as well as others.

 

Keep
It Short

 

It is a big
job to write a memoir or autobiography and may seem overwhelming to caregiver
and patient. So, make it clear that you just want to gather "little life
lessons" which will then be passed to others.

 

Ask
Very Specific Questions

 

1.   
Do you
remember your first day of school? How did you get there? What were you wearing?
Were your parents glad to see you go to school?

2.   
What is
your favorite breakfast?  How do you like your eggs cooked? 

3.   
 What was
the worst job you ever had? What did
you learn there?  

 

Ask
Open Ended Questions

 

This type
of question allows the person to reflect on past life and give advice for the
future. You offer incomplete sentences and allow the patient to complete
them.

 

1.   
The best
way to be a family is to_________________________________

2.   
In life I
feel people need to cherish
_______________________________  
 

  3.The one
thing I want people to remember about me is_____________________

 

 Remember to End on a
Happy Note                                                    
                                                                               
                                 Because you have taken the mind on a trip to the
past, there may be some sad or painful memories that have floated to the top.
 While this may be important for the patient to sort out, you don't want him or
her to dwell on unpleasant things.  Be sure that no matter how the conversation
went, bring them back to the present by making simple statements such as;   

 

1.You have
shared some great memories today, but I am ready for lunch. What sounds good to
you? 

2.   What are
you going to do for the rest of the day?  

3.   
what are you
looking forward to doing today?

 

Thanks for
being a caregiver and support system to those who need you. This will be some of
the most important work you will ever do.

Judy
H. Wright
aka
Auntie
Artichoke

Author, Parent Educator,International
Speaker/Trainer

 

For media contacts:  406-549-9813

 

Full listing of books & classes at www.ArtichokePress.com

 

Check out www.UseEncouragingWords.com  for
a FREE
eBook!!

 

Share your comments and suggestions at the
blogs:

Ask Auntie
Artichoke and
When Death Is
Near

 

Are you attracting an abundant life? Abundant Living
Legacy

 

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Unexpected and Traumatic Death- What Do You Do?

Friday, April 24th, 2009

Even though 10% or more of reported deaths are unexpected and traumatic, you are still blindsided when it happens to those you love and care about.  It is not something that one ever plans on and so are not only grieving emotionally, but have no idea on what to do in order to handle the practical aspects of death.

it is not helpful that medical and police personnel, trained to solve problems and find answers may seem very matter of fact or even uncaring.  They may announce to you that you must make "arrangements" or even question you or other members of the family.

The reality is that they are usually caring individuals or they would not have been drawn to that line of work.  However,in order to protect their own emotional energy, they make not take the time for personal or emotional responses to your pain.

Find an Advocate

The first thing to do is to ask for an advocate.  You need someone to help you make decisions and try to understand what is happening and what you need to do. It may be a daily occurrence for them, but when it happens to your loved one, you feel as though you are the only one in the world to experience such deep emotional pain.

If you have a faith community leader, or a dear friend or family member who will support, listen and assist you, call them to come to you. If even making that phone call seems overwhelming, ask an official to contact them for you. This is not a time to be alone.

Do Not Make Major Decisions

Be very careful about jumping into decisions without someone who can be a little more rational than you are  in situations of unexpected death.  You do not need elaborate flower arrangements or an expensive casket, which you may be sold by unscrupulous funeral homes.

It is natural and understandable to be in shock. it is a shocking circumstance.  Give yourself some time to adjust, absorb and act accordingly.

If Only..

In cases of unexpected and traumatic deaths, family and friends do not have the opportunity to say good-bye. Sudden infant death, suicide, homicide and accidents can leave everyone, but especially those who were close, feeling if only….

No matter how the death occurs, we often think somehow we could have done something more, better, more often etc.  It is a vicious circle in our minds as we try to make sense of what has happened.

The reality is that we all do the best we can and bad things happen to good people all the time.  It is not a judgment on them or on you. It just is.

Seek Bereavement or Grief Counseling

You may find that you need assistance in sorting out the emotions in your heart and mind.  These are extreme situations and bring out extreme emotions that need to be addressed before you can go on with your life.

It is our wish that you find a safe and loving harbor to share your feelings and concerns.  Unresolved grief and anger are at the root of much illness.  For your own good and the good of other survivors, take care of yourself as you seek healing through your grief.

With love and empathy,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach and author
http://www.ArtichokePress.com

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