When Death Is Near

Greetings from beautiful Montana;

Boundaries are not fences to keep friends and family out, but rather guidelines on where we, personally, feel the most comfortable.  Many people are hesitant to set boundaries for fear of hurting feelings or causing resentments.  However, people are not mind readers and do not know what you want and don’t want.  You must be clear about your needs and desires.

Communicate What You Need

Rather than hope others will guess what you want to do or have in your life, speak up and tell them. It is important that we discuss our choices with them, especially in times of grief and loss. Everyone is emotionally off kilter when there has been a death and may make decisions for you because they think they are being helpful.

Each one of us deals with death and crisis in our own way.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve or to act during a loss of a loved one.  Our feelings, coping mechanisms, sleep patterns, ability to think rationally or even to remember significant facts may be altered.

One Notebook or Command Center

Our family found it very helpful for one person to keep an on-going notebook of dates, times, phone numbers and schedules. Everyone referred to her and the notebook, rather than doing some things twice and forgetting to do things. This relived our mother from answering the same question over and over and then not remembering when Cousin Don was arriving.

It also made sure the obituary was correct and that the funeral arrangements were what the departed would have wanted.  It was a final gift of love to the whole family.

Life is Difficult When Grieving

Grieving a loss is difficult in the best of times, but holidays make the choices even more confusing. The best advice I can give you to get through this tough time is to set your boundaries and communicate what you need and want from others.

I have confidence in you.  You are stronger than you thought.

In support and love,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote motivational speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Hello from Montana:

Most people get very nostalgic because their minds and

Bereavement and Grief are hard work. Be clear in setting boundaries and what you need from others. give yourself time to heal from loss.

hearts are triggered by sights, sounds, smells and events.  Smelling of pine trees reminds them of the Christmas when Grandpa brought the tree. It is true that grief work is  hard work and it takes much energy, emotion and time.

Take Time To Heal

No matter when or how our loss happened, we will still remember and reflect on the person who is no longer in our physical world.  It is important to allow yourself to be human and to recognize sometimes you are too overwhelmed with sad emotions to meet the expectations of others.

When you are working through grief and it is hard work, you need to plan ahead as much as possible.  By setting boundaries and establishing limits, you will not be constantly bombarded with requests and demands.

Set Boundaries In Clear, Calm Voice

Most people (even Uncle George if told often enough) will accept a yes or no when asked to participate.  When you falter or are wishy washy with a request by saying “I will try, but I can’t promise” or “Maybe…we will see” that  causes confusion.

If you are asked to contribute a pie because you always contribute a pie, then say “This year I am spending my energy close to home. Please ask someone else to bring a pie.” Or, “I am guarding my energy this year, so I can give you money to purchase one, but don’t want the worry of making one.  Maybe next year.”

Give Yourself Gift of Self-Care

Just as you need to be clear about what you can contribute to others this year, you also need to be clear about what you need and want from them.  If you need phones calls or meeting for lunch or your sidewalk shoveled, then say so.

No one can really read minds, so be very clear and calm in asking for what you need. I remember calling a friend after the death of her husband and I said, like I have a million other times; “What can I do to help you?”  She didn’t miss a beat, but said; “I would like to have my windows washed, it would make the world seem brighter.”

While I was washing the windows, I was impressed again and again at how clear and concise her request was. She knew that people would ask to help and she knew just what would make her feel better.

Grief is hard work and takes time to heal, but the time is easier when you have companions and support along the way.

I have confidence in your ability to be find ways and means to heal yourself.

In support and love,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Hello from beautiful Montana:

The loss of a beloved pet and best friend is devastating. In interviewing hundreds of pet owners and sharing their stories, it is plain to see that the loss of a pet may trigger many other emotions about relationships, both animal and human.

The final days of your pet’s life may be the most difficult period of your relationship, and yet it can also be a rewarding and spirit filled time together.  The period  after the death can be very hard as you make the decision for burial or cremation of your pet.

Cremation of Animals

Most veterinarians have access to a crematorium, where the earthly body is handled with respect and burned. If you choose cremation, the casket or urn containing the ashes will be returned to you. Many people are having jewelry made out of the “cremains” of their pet.

Burial of Your Pet

It is not unusual for families and individuals to choose to bury their pet somewhere that holds significance for them.  You may need to check local ordinances, but most areas will allow you to bury a pet on land that you own.  If you do not have a suitable area for this, you may decide to purchase a burial plot at the pet cemetery.

Prices of a pet burial plot will vary, depending on size of plot, if a casket is used or a service is provided.  Many of the pet cemeteries that friends have used included the cost of a small granite marker in the price of the burial. Some have a space for a picture of the pet.

Memorial To Your Best Friend and Pet

There are many ways to memorialize in a physical manner. Of course, your memories  will always be filled with thoughts of your time together.

You can also plant a tree, donate food  or time to the local  animal shelter, have a portrait painted, write a poem, song or story about your time together.

It is your decision  when your pet dies; burial or cremation. Either way, you will always remember and be grateful for the life lessons you learned from your pet.  Owning and loving animals make us better people.

You are invited to go to http://www.deathofmypet.com the site of our latest book to share stories, photos and memorials of those who have lost a pet.  You will be glad you did.

With love,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

Hello from beautiful Montana.  Death of family members brings out the best and worst in how we act and react to bad news.

For those of us who are Baby Boomers, deaths in the family are becoming more and more routine. Cousins who never have time to come to family reunions or wedding celebrations are now gathering in Intensive Care Units and funeral homes.  Siblings who argued over toys, now make decsions on  how to divide heirlooms.

All of us will face death of loved ones at some time or another and yet we have no training on how to act and some may fall back on old patterns of behavior. Especially negative behavior from old wounds.  If our experiences surrounded other deaths were uncomfortable, we will bring those same emotions and feelings into these situations.

Choose to Deal With Relatives in a Positive Way

Unfinished business from the past doesn’t simply disappear. If it is not dealt with, at least internally, it will resurface later in unexpected and troubling ways.

Don’t buy into the drama that some family members enjoy creating.  Recognize that each person handles life and death differently.  Do your best to honor the dead as well as the living, by making emotional choices that are wise for you, not knee-jerk reactions.

We can allow emotional triggers that push us back into being selfish, complaining and attention seeking children.  Or, on the other hand, we can recognize an emotional trigger for what it is; simply a signal your subconscious is sending to your conscious mind. It can help us to think before reacting, and make a conscious choice to speak, act and  offer comfort in a giving way.

Allow Grief to Bring Out Your Best

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross once said ” When you look back at the anguish, suffering, and traumas in your life,  you’ll see that these are the periods of biggest growth.  After a loss that brings you dreadfully painful moments, you are a different man, a different woman.  Many years later, you will be able to look back and see the positive things–togetherness in your family, faith or whatever — that came out of your pain.”

Families are where we came from, but not necessarily where we are going.  We are bound to those we love and those who love us by shared experiences as well as our individual perceptions. It is important for us to be in a place where we join other family members to remember the good times and able to celebrate this passing of a loved one into the next plane of existence.

So, when the phone rings in the middle of night and it is news of the aunt, cousin, brother or other close family member who is dying or has died, know that you have a choice.  This trial or suffering or sorrow is an opportunity for you to grow closer to the rest of the family.

It is a chance to reunite, forgive and let go of old wounds.  It is a chance to allow your best side to show. Let this be your final gift to your loved one.

With understanding and love,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

Are you lonely, sad and depressed from the death  or loss of your pet? These feelings of pain and anxiety are perfectly normal, but you can find peace again. Do you view your pet as a member of your family, your closest friend, and constant companion?

Hello from beautiful Montana:

Hello from Montana,

Today is Memorial Day in the United States and an opportunity for families, friends and neighbors to get together to socialize and share food.  The other order of the day is the sharing of stories of loved ones who are dead, but not forgotten.

Even though 10% or more of reported deaths are unexpected and traumatic, you are still blindsided when it happens to those you love and care about.  It is not something that one ever plans on and so are not only grieving emotionally, but have no idea on what to do in order to handle the practical aspects of death.

it is not helpful that medical and police personnel, trained to solve problems and find answers may seem very matter of fact or even uncaring.  They may announce to you that you must make "arrangements" or even question you or other members of the family.

The reality is that they are usually caring individuals or they would not have been drawn to that line of work.  However,in order to protect their own emotional energy, they make not take the time for personal or emotional responses to your pain.

Find an Advocate

The first thing to do is to ask for an advocate.  You need someone to help you make decisions and try to understand what is happening and what you need to do. It may be a daily occurrence for them, but when it happens to your loved one, you feel as though you are the only one in the world to experience such deep emotional pain.

If you have a faith community leader, or a dear friend or family member who will support, listen and assist you, call them to come to you. If even making that phone call seems overwhelming, ask an official to contact them for you. This is not a time to be alone.

Do Not Make Major Decisions

Be very careful about jumping into decisions without someone who can be a little more rational than you are  in situations of unexpected death.  You do not need elaborate flower arrangements or an expensive casket, which you may be sold by unscrupulous funeral homes.

It is natural and understandable to be in shock. it is a shocking circumstance.  Give yourself some time to adjust, absorb and act accordingly.

If Only..

In cases of unexpected and traumatic deaths, family and friends do not have the opportunity to say good-bye. Sudden infant death, suicide, homicide and accidents can leave everyone, but especially those who were close, feeling if only….

No matter how the death occurs, we often think somehow we could have done something more, better, more often etc.  It is a vicious circle in our minds as we try to make sense of what has happened.

The reality is that we all do the best we can and bad things happen to good people all the time.  It is not a judgment on them or on you. It just is.

Seek Bereavement or Grief Counseling

You may find that you need assistance in sorting out the emotions in your heart and mind.  These are extreme situations and bring out extreme emotions that need to be addressed before you can go on with your life.

It is our wish that you find a safe and loving harbor to share your feelings and concerns.  Unresolved grief and anger are at the root of much illness.  For your own good and the good of other survivors, take care of yourself as you seek healing through your grief.

With love and empathy,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach and author
http://www.ArtichokePress.com