When Death Is Near

Most young children are more curious than sad when a pet disappears.  However, it is a major turning point in their development when they see how adults deal with the loss of a pet. Remember, they are looking to you to see how to develop values, ethics and standards of behavior.

You will find most very young children ask questions to try to put the death experience in a framework they can understand and process. Under the age of six, they tend to be very self centered and assume that they may have been responsible in some way for the disappearance.

Here are some specific ways to help the different ages and stages of children deal with the loss of a pet.

Children this young may not have had enough life experiences to truly understand what death, dying or long term illness may mean.  They will sense your emotions and may be confused unless you explain why you are sad about the family dog being ill and the loss you will feel when he dies.

Be especially reassuring that you are not upset with them or anything they did as you maintain your normal schedule and feel your own grief.

Young children will welcome a new pet and easily connect with it.

This age group of tweens knows and understands that death is permanent. This may bring up some fears and feelings of what if a parent should become ill and die.

Young people, most do not like to be called children any more, are much more interested in the details and the morbid aspects of the death.  This is normal and their questions need to be answered in an accepting way.

If they do not have an avenue for sharing feelings, emotions and questions about the pet loss, they may have trouble sleeping, eating or begin wetting the bed again.

Sometimes the pet loss triggers other disappointments and losses in life, and the child may become withdrawn while trying to figure it all out. Or, he or she may become aggressive, argumentative and antisocial in a veiled attempt to gain attention and comfort.

The loss of a pet to this age group can be particularly hard.  The Pet may have been a source of unconditional love and companionship during childhood. Many young people look at their pet as an anchor of childhood; always loving, forgiving and loyal.

Peer acceptance of expressing feelings can make the transition easier.  If the friends downplay the sorrow, the adolescent may bury the hurt feelings and questions in his heart, and not feel safe sharing them.

Remember this is the time in life when young adults are trying to find their own true feelings and discover who and what they are as individuals.  They may want your understanding, guidance and reassurance, but may use conflict to deflect the opportunities to share.

In our family, we have found the best conversations take place late at night, when the lights are dim and there is pizza to share.  Teens and young adults open up their sore places in their hearts when you aren't eye-ball to eye-ball and busy with a million other things.

I encourage you to take the time in a relaxed setting to connect with your children about how to deal with the loss of their pet.  How this is handled now, will remain with them for the rest of their life and will have an influence on how they approach death of other loved ones later in life.

Good Luck, You do an Important Work,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: If you feel that your life is out of balance right now, you will benefit from an affordable and effective eBook at http://artichokepress.com/products/ebooks/ballance.htm

The death of a family pet may be the most traumatic loss your children face.  Young children develop very strong and deep feelings about the animals in their lives.  They may think of them as siblings, companions, playmates and protectors.

A few years ago, I was writing an article on resilient children called "Be A Bounce Back KId."  as part of the research I interviewed a dozen 5th grade and younger children about what they did to bounce back from a disappointment or a particularly bad time in their lives.

I was very surprised to find that the number one comfort for the kids was pets and animals. Those who had live pets in their lives or neighborhood would go to them for comfort and companionship.  Those that did not have live pets, had a stuffed animal which represented comfort for them.

Many expressed the belief that the animals loved them unconditionally.  It did not matter if they got a D in school or wasn't chosen for the school play.  Their dog was happy to see them anyway. Laughing and playing with the pet helped them to bounce back from the bad day.

Even seemingly well adjusted adults grieve over the death of their best friend and pet. It then stands to reason, that children will have questions, concerns and worries over the death process and what happens afterward.

Parents need to be effective listeners to the questions the children may ask as well as the unspoken concerns the child may not bring up in conversation. It is wise to be ready to explain what has happened to the animal, offer information and be careful not to project our own emotional bias on the situation.

• Was it my fault for not feeding him last week?
• Will he come back? 
• Where did he go? 
• Where is he right now (May want to see the body or find out where it is) 
• If I get sick, will you have the doctor give me a shot to make me die?  
• What if I go to sleep and don't wake up? 
• What if I forget him?   
• Why did God want him, he was our dog. 

 

Our tendency is to try to protect small children from the harsh realities of life.  However, by not acknowledging our own mourning and sadness, the child may feel less inclined to share his concerns. 

children look to us for guidance in word as well as actions.  If they are old enough to reason, then they can sense there is something wrong and they are being left out of the conversations about topics that concern them.

The death of a pet to children matters a great deal in their young life.  How this is handled now will remain with the child for the rest of his life.

A child's ability to cope is very much dependent on the adults around him. I encourage honest and open communication as well an opportunity to share feelings, fear and concerns without judgment. This will assist them in not only dealing with the death of their pet, but other disappointments in their lives.

Good luck in this important endeavor,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: If you would like assistance in being more resilient, check out the affordable and effective eBook "Living a Balanced Life" in the on-line store at http://www.ArtichokePress.com