Archive for June, 2009

Funerals and Memorials-Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep

Friday, June 26th, 2009

Hello from Montana:

It seems there have been a lot of deaths of important people in the news lately, Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawsett, Ed McMahan and others. We feel sadness for their families and friends However, the most important funeral, memorial and grave is the one of your own loved one.  If you have recently lost a friend, family member or close associate, I extend my deepest sympathy to you.

When I have been asked to speak at funerals and memorials, I often refer to this favorite poem. Perhaps it will bring you comfort or give you words to match your thoughts. It is often easier to use another person's words because they express what you want to say.

Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn's rain.

Do not stand at my grave and mourn.
I am the dew-flecked grass at dawn.
Where tranquil oceans meet the land
I am the footprints in the sand
To guide you through the weary day.
I am still here; I'll always stay.

When you wake up to morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there; I did not die.

Original attributed to Mary Elizabeth Frye (1905-2004)
Middle verse added by Lucie Storrs (1967-    )

It is a wonderful honor to be asked to share a eulogy of a loved one who has died. It is also very frightening to try to find the words and expressions which will bring comfort to the bereaved.
You can do it , I believe in you.

Would you like additional poems to comfort the grieving? Visit http://www.DoNotWeep.com  This is a wonderful collection of literature dealing with loss and death. If you choose to order it, you will be glad you did. I certainly was.

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker
http://www.ArtichokePress.com

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Feelings and Emotions Around Loss of Loved One

Thursday, June 25th, 2009

Loss of a Loved One is Devastating Blow

You can expect a wide range of emotions when you have lost someone who had influence in your life.  Don't feel like you should only expect feelings of love, for that is only one of the many emotions that come gurgling to the surface when someone you loved has died.

The labor of grieving and truly feeling the emotions surrounding the loss of a loved one is very complex and sometimes hard to understand. Many people judge others because they don't seem to be "doing it right."

No One Way to Grieve or to Feel

The only loving advice I would give you is to be gentle with yourself. Expect to feel emotions in unexpected ways. You may have the urge to anesthetize feelings and drown the hurt with food, drugs, alcohol, work or being busy all the time. 

I would urge you to feel the feelings fully as they come up, because if you stuff them down, they will not go away. Indeed, they may resurface later when you least expect them.

Feelings You May Experience

  • Fear, anxiety and panic
  • Anger at the person who died, at medical personnel, at yourself or others  
  • Depression or emotional flatness, with  a feeling of "Why bother" or "What's the use of trying." 
  • Confusion and a reduced attention span  
  • Numbness, shock and disbelief 
  • Loneliness and isolation  
  • Hunger for someone to really listen to your story
  • Pain, both physical and emotional  
  • Guilt and regrets. Lots of "if only…" 
  • Emptiness and a missing part of you  
  • Relief, which in many instances provides conflict in your mind 
  • Replaying the scene over and over in your mind  
  • Tired body but unable to sleep      

Death may happen in a moment, but feeling the emotions around that loss of a loved one will take time, lots of time.

Give Yourself Permission to Feel the Way You Feel 

How and what you feel is your right as an individual. If you would benefit from a support group of others who are Bereaved, I urge you to go. It was beneficial to me and to many others I have spoken to. It feels good to be surrounded by others who may not know exactly how and what you are going through, but they will be able to identify with your pain and suffering. The support and safety to share our feelings and emotions is invaluable as we move through this process.

My thoughts and hugs are with you.

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: If you are looking for a special book on poems and writings for those who are grieving, I have found one at http://www.DoNotWeep.com  that I recommend. I also give this to friends who are mourning the loss of loved one, both human and animal.

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When Death Brings Relief

Tuesday, June 16th, 2009

Hello from beautiful Montana:

When a friend's son who had severe mental problems committed suicide, she commented to me at the service; "well, at least I know where he is tonight."

To feel relief at the death of another is not often acknowledged or spoken about. It seems a taboo subject that not every death brings great sadness but may actually bring a sense of relief.

In attending a seminar a few year ago called Understanding Grief, Touchstones of Healing for Family, Friends and Caregivers taught by Jennifer Elison, Ed.D. I was struck by her honesty and ability to speak the unspeakable. While she taught us the patterns of grieving and expected outcomes, she also spoke of those times when death is not a loss, but a relief.

In her book Liberating Losses  published by Lifelong Books, a member of the Perseus Books group, she shares not only her story, but the stories of others who have felt a sense of relief when death occurred. It is an excellent read and one that I have recommended and referred to often in doing grief work or examining my own emotions over loss.

As medical science has treatments and medications that keep people alive much longer than in the past, families may face years of care for someone who would not have chosen this existence.

Many conditions become chronic rather than acute. One surgery leads to complications and then another surgery, and then another and constant pain. No matter how much we love someone it impacts us to see them suffer physically and emotionally. We wish there were something we could do to alleviate their pain. We offer comfort, soup, extra pillows, a new video or book but it is never enough to end their suffering, except momentarily.

So then, why are we ashamed to admit that death bring relief, not only to the one who has passed into another plane of existence, but also to those exhausted souls left to pick up the pieces and move on?

How do you feel about this subject? Have you ever felt relief when someone died? Please feel free to leave a comment. This is a safe place to share your thoughts and emotions.

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke

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Rituals, Memorials, Tributes and Funerals-Grieving Together

Friday, June 12th, 2009

Hello from beautiful Montana:

There are many dates which bring a national or universal remembrance. For my generation, it will always be November 22, 1963 and the date John F. Kennedy was assassinated.  In the minds of Americans who were adults or near adults can remember vividly what we were doing and how we reacted when we heard the news.

For our children and our children's children the date was 911. It was an ending of an era of national confidence and a deep sadness about the losses suffered.

As a nation and a culture, we were joined in our grief and sadness.  We needed a way to express our anger, confusion and mourning. We needed a way to say Goodbye to what might have been and could be no more.  We needed closure to the intensity of feelings that grief brings to a person.

Funerals, Memorials, Tributes and Rituals Bring Comfort

The rituals and ceremonies surrounding Funerals and Memorials bring us together and bind us in our common grief and facilitate the release of the one who has died.  When we remember the intense feelings and raw emotion of the days following either a national disaster or a personal loss, we recognize the need for joining with others to release some of the emotional toll.

The Grieving Process

Many  people need a closure of a ceremony of funeral or Memorial in order to finalize the death in their minds and hearts. Some choose traditional religious services because they  provide structure and familiarity. Some choose to simply have a gathering where it is much more relaxed. At these memorials, friends and family share stories and memories which bring laughter and tears.

To be helpful to those who are survivors the ritual of the funeral or Memorial ideally will have some meaning to them personally. If possible, the ceremony will involve their participation in some small way.  This is a way to signify to each of us, no matter how closely we were affiliated, a chapter of life  is closing.

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Books Can Be Best Friends

Tuesday, June 9th, 2009

Hello from beautiful Montana:

I love this quote from Elizabeth Barrett Browning–”No man can be called friendless when he has God and the companionship of good books.”
Books do offer us information, comfort, enjoyment and friendship
There is nothing better than a book you become so involved with that the characters seem real to you.  A book you can’t put down. A book that changes your life. A book that you want to share with others. A book that you feel was written just for you.
As I have worked on the book “I Lost My Best Friend Today – Healing From the Loss of a Beloved Pet” I have found many poems, personal essays, articles and other readings that have resonated with me. They came just when I needed them most.
The other day I found Mem Fox’s memoir in the free box at the library. I was ecstatic. The title of “Dear Mem Fox, I Have Read All Your Books Even The Pathetic Ones” pretty much gives you a hint of the contents.  In this wonderful book written by the internationally acclaimed creator of “Possum Magic”, “Koala Lou”, and of course our families favorite childrens (and adults) read aloud book; “Wilfred Gordon McDonald Partridge“
The Universe Will Bring You The Right Book
When you need a friend or just the right words, look around and you will find a book that will be just what you need.
When going through a period of grief and loss, I found just the right words. Perhaps it will resonate with you.

Visit http://www.DoNotWeep.com This is a wonderful collection of literature dealing with loss and death. If you choose to order it, you will be glad you did. I certainly was.

(c) Judy H. Wright http://www.ArtichokePress.com You have permission to reprint this article as long as you keep the content and contact information intact. Thank You.

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