When Death Is Near

What do you say to someone who has just lost a child to death? What do you say to someone whose parent has died from a lingering illness? What do you say when a family member lost their life in a war you don’t believe in? What do you say when the death came about from murder? Or suicide? Or drug overdose?

An odd by-product of my loss is that I’m aware of being an embarrassment to everyone I meet. At work, at the club,
in the street, I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up
their minds whether they’ll say something about it’ or not. I hate it if they do, and if they don’t….”

- C.S. Lewis from A Grief Observed

It is often easier to say nothing than risk saying the wrong thing. However,
the death of a loved one is the worst thing that can happen to someone
and so to ignore the survivor, or fail to mention the loss, is to add
to the hurt.

Friends and relatives need to talk about the loss and to know that they are safe in discussing it with you. They need to be reassured that you acknowledge their feelings, concerns and actions. Once
you have accepted that a death has occurred and that the loved one
needs your support and sympathy, there are ways to help the survivor.

• Do continue support after the funeral.
• Do listen when they need to talk about the death, person or the impact on them,
• Accept where they are and don’t try to hurry them through their grief process.
• Don’t compare their tragedy to someone else’s or your own.
• Don’t expect them to counsel and comfort you.
• Never say “I know how you feel” because you don’t. Each loss is unique.
• Do provide practical support-food, money, car rides, babysitting etc.
• Do provide social support and remind them you are available to listen and help as well as go out in public.

There are lots of ways to give verbal support and sympathy. Non verbal communication is the language of relationships. If the survivor is in shock, they may not remember what you said, but will always remember what you did.. Sometimes
a pat on the arm, a hug, cleaning the house, raking the leaves, filling
the car with gas, or writing a note lets the survivor know that you
care.

These are just a few of the ways to let others know that you are aware of their sadness and acknowledge their feelings. When you offer a hand of sympathy and support, you help the survivor know they are not alone on this journey. Will it always be accepted with gratitude? No. Should you offer the hand of love and acceptance anyway? Yes. This is not about you. It is a way to honor those who have died and those who are left behind.

Standing at the bedside of a
parent or friend who is in the process of transitioning out of this
life is not an experience most people prepare for and many find
overwhelming. You can be so traumatized that you neglect the
opportunity to tell that person how you truly feel. Sharing and
listening can be a final gift to your loved one. It can also be a great
spiritual experience if you are open with statements and ministrations
of love and best wishes.

Hearing
is the last sense to go. Elicit the cooperation of others in making the
passage a sacred event, by verbally sharing happy memories and stories. Focus
the sounds of voices on making gentle conversation. There might be soft
background music but turn off the TV or radio. Do not expect a response
from the dying because their limited energy is involved in important
work.

Acknowledge the positive aspects of your loved one’s legacy. Take turns listing the gifts and lessons the dying person has given to you and to the world. This is a time to reassure them that they will not be forgotten and that his or her life had value.

Celebrate
and acknowledge the special times, talents, and teachings you have
shared. Search your memory for good times, but don’t look for the major
moments, rather the small, insignificant at the time moments, that you
remember. This is a final acknowledgment of the
gifts that the dying has given the living and neither the gift nor the
person will be forgotten. Use this time to express gratitude and
reassurance that these legacies will live on for generations.

Comfort care
means COMFORT, not cure. Our scientific and medical cultures are
trained and geared toward cure, treatment, and results. It is often
difficult to move from this modality into comfort care only.

Such
things as lab work, blood sugar reading, monitors, antibiotics,
artificial nutrition, food and water, meds, continued chemotherapy,
insulin and other result and data gathering procedures may need to be
questioned as the dying process progresses. We must ask what will truly
comfort the dying person, both physically and emotionally and let this
guide our actions.

Caring, nurturing and comfort can most often
be accomplished without medical procedures or even food and water in
most instances. However, if these things comfort a dying loved one it
may be beneficial to continue them. Check frequently with the person
for any desire for change or requests to discontinue any of these
measures.

Some hospitals and nursing homes have comfort care
units. Even in these units families and caregivers are encouraged to
continue to ask what will truly be of comfort. We encourage families
and care givers to continue acting as advocates for their loved one, to
ensure that their needs and wishes are being met and respected.

—–
This
information is from a new book by Judy H. Wright and Jane Franz on the
loss of a loved one. Watch the website and blog for more information.
We welcome your input and comments.

As you and your loved one move into and through this
time it may be helpful to better understand some of the psychological
stages that may be experienced.

Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
describes the “stages of dying” in detail in her book, On Death and
Dying. They can be briefly summarized as follows:

1. Denial – "No, not me." This is a typical reaction when a patient learns that he or she is terminally ill.

4. Depression -
"Yes, me." First, the person mourns past losses, things not done,
wrongs committed. But then he or she enters a state of "preparatory
grief," getting ready for the arrival of death. The patient grows
quiet, doesn't want visitors. "When a dying patient doesn't want to see
you any more," says Doctor Ross, "this is a sign he or she has finished
his unfinished business with you, and it is a blessing. He or she can
now let go peacefully."

5. Acceptance
- "My time is very close now and it's all right." Doctor Ross describes
this final stage as "not a happy stage, but neither is it unhappy.

These
stages provide a very useful guide to understanding the different
phases that dying patients may go through. They are not absolute; not
everyone goes through every stage. Nor does every person go through
them in this exact sequence or at a predictable pace. However, knowing
that these stages exist can be a valuable tool in understanding why
your loved one may behave in certain ways.

Holidays are very emotional and bring up all sorts of feelings. Mingled
in with the joy of seeing small children's eyes light up, are the sad
and hurtful memories of lost ones. We miss them and wish they were back
in our lives.

Everyone feels blue at times and it is "episodic" or once in a while. When to be concerned is when it turns into a "chronic" or ongoing feeling of despair.

Our family has a history of depression and so we must be on the alert if the emotions are in a downward spiral.
If the saddness lasts more than a couple of weeks without experiencing
happy times, then we know to use methods that have worked in the past.

• Sunshine or a light box
• Journaling our blessings
• Talking to family members or friends and listening to their rational advice
• Excercise, even walking gets the blood moving and the blues running
• See a councelour, who has been effective in the past
• See a physician for medical assistance to jump start the journey back.

Good luck and God bless. This is a stressful time and you will make it. I believe in you.

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke

Standing at the bedside of a parent or friend who is in the process of
transitioning out of this life is not an experience most people prepare
for and many find overwhelming. You can be so traumatized that you
neglect the opportunity to tell that person how you truly feel. Sharing
and listening can be a final gift to your loved one. It can also be a
great spiritual experience if you are open with statements and
ministrations of love and best wishes.

Hearing is the last sense
to go. Elicit the cooperation of others in making the passage a sacred
event, by verbally sharing happy memories and stories. Focus the sounds
of voices on making gentle conversation. There might be soft background
music but turn off the TV or radio. Do not expect a response from the
dying because their limited energy is involved in important work.

Acknowledge
the positive aspects of your loved one’s legacy. Take turns listing the
gifts and lessons the dying person has given to you and to the world.
This is a time to reassure them that they will not be forgotten and
that his or her life had value.

Celebrate and acknowledge the
special times, talents, and teachings you have shared. Search your
memory for good times, but don’t look for the major moments, rather the
small, insignificant at the time moments, that you remember. This is a
final acknowledgment of the gifts that the dying has given the living
and neither the gift nor the person will be forgotten. Use this time to
express gratitude and reassurance that these legacies will live on for
generations.

Sharing Memories

Examples of the type of memory you might recall include:

“I
will always remember the time you brought me red licorice and a milk
shake when I had a sore throat. You bit the ends off the licorice so I
could use it as a straw. It may have been hard for you to say ‘I love
you’ but your actions that day really showed me that you cared.”

“Thank
you for your vast knowledge of the stars at night. The grandkids will
never look at the Milky Way without thinking of you. They will share
the stories of the night sky with their children and grandchildren.”

“You
always loved a good cup of coffee in the morning. I will lift my cup to
you every morning and remember how much I loved you.”

My mother
told me just before dying, that my words put pictures in her mind. She
said “It is like you are putting a video in my brain that I can watch
and forget the pain.”

Make it your intention to comfort and
support the dying person with love, stories and reassurance. If you can
be willing and open to saying goodbye and good wishes as your loved one
leaves on their last earthly journey, you will both be blessed and
rewarded.

Do you have stories about the transition of life? Please share them with us by commenting on this blog.  We want to build a community of kindred spirits who have faced the loss
of a loved one and are willing to give hope and encouragment to others.

Judy
and her friend, Jane Franz, a music thanalogist, are co-authoring a
book of the same name. Publication date will be announced on this
blog.